Friday, December 24, 2010

My 5 Best Albums of 2010

5.  Blackjazz by Shining

Norwegian band plays really progressive industrial jazzy (using sax!!) metal with surprisingly catchy hooks.   Who would thought the number "1375" is so catchy,  I found myself singing along to this song.

4. Option Paralysis by The Dillinger Escape Plan

DEP go back to the sound of Miss Machine after their disappointing  Ire Works which was way too electronic and poppish for me.  Farewell Mona Lisa, the first single off the album, is  2 minutes of complete mayhem , and then a verse that is as beautiful as it is unexpected.  It's the aural equivalent of travelling through a hurricane and then hitting the eye of the storm.

3. Spiral Shadow by Kylesa

Stoner/Sludge metallers return with their 2nd album in 2 years, and it's amazing. They are moving away from the heavy sound of previous albums and really heading into very psychedelic and indie territory on this album. Some of it even reminds me of bands like My Bloody Valentine.  Hell check out the song below and you can see what I am talking about.

2. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy by Kanye West

"Let's hear it for the douchebag" sings Kanye West on the song Runaway off his latest album. I still hate this douchebag for all his dumbass antics, but I have to admit he's a musical genius who has an eye for the most insane beats and samples. Here he is sampling King Crimson's "21st Century Schizoid Man" :

1. The Archandroid by Janelle Monae

A concept album about an android who is sent back in time to free her people from an oppressive society, this album is all over the place in a good way. Part James Brown, part Santana, part Hendrix, part Ziggy Stardust  and part a million other things. this is the most exhilarating thing I heard in a while .

Other good albums:

The Suburbs by Arcade Fire
Diamond Eyes by Deftones
The Powerless Rise by As I Lay Dying

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Monday, November 22, 2010

My First Turkish Bath experience

Whatever happens in a Turkish bathhouse stays in the Turkish bathhouse. This is an ancient Turkish saying spanning thousands of centuries , but I am going to break it now , a full year after the experience.

As some of you might know, I was in Turkey on vacation last December. My friend and I joined a tour group that brought us around the country and at one of the pit stops we were offered the chance to go to a hamam, a traditional Turkish bathhouse.

So a couple of us from the tour group decided to go try it out. Basically it was 5 guys and 4 women. When we got there we got changed into our towels and then asked to go to the sauna to sweat it out. It was a mixed sauna, but the girls for some reason stayed at the opposite end away from me. It could have been due to the looks I was giving them, I don't know.

So one by one we were asked to go out to this main area, where they had a guy waiting to give us our scrubdown. When it was my turn to go, I was greeted with a smile by a rather handsome if a bit older looking guy in a towel. He sat me down on the side of the room,and proceeded to scrub me with this scary looking bristled brush in his hand.

To say that it was the most amazing feeling in the world would be an understatement. I could literally feel the dirt being removed from my body as he scrubbed me from head to toe. I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the immense pleasure radiating through my body, it felt so great that I think I subconsciously begin to moan in this low rumbling tone. And then I couldn't feel his hands anymore. You know that feeling you get when you are errm...admiring...some chick in a porno video and then out of nowhere they reveal that girl has a huge penis? Yep, multiply that feeling by a hundred - that was exactly how I felt when he removed his hands.

Pulled out of my euphoric state of mind, I opened my eyes and saw him staring in a very disgusted manner at me. I guess it's against Turkish bathhouse rules to moan during scrubbing or something. I grabbed his magical hands and pleaded him to continue, even offering him a generous tip if he continued, but he just said "No more, no more" and gestured me to lie on this circular marble structure in the middle of the room. I tried a final attempt at changing his mind by using my sad puppy dog eyes look, but he was unflinching. Dejected, I got up and walked sadly to the center of the room.

The marble surface was actually heated so it felt quite nice and started to relax once again. Just as I started to doze off I was rudely awoken by a splash of cold water on me. It was my guy with the magical hands. Basically this was the rinsing/soaping portion of the bath. Then he asked me to turn on to my stomach. As I did, he suddenly took off my towel!! I was starting to get worried that this was part of a special punishment for moaners but almost immediately (and rather expertly) he wedged it between my butt cheeks to protect my last remaining strands of modesty.

He then proceeded to soap and massage me. It was obvious that the dynamics of our brief relationship had changed since the scrub, his heart just didn't seem to be into it. And then he started cracking my joints. He was cracking joints where I didn't even know there were joints. I started moaning again, this time in a mixture of pain and pleasure, but all it did was to fuel his rage and he became even rougher. I grabbed the edges of the marbles not knowing where this ride would take me or how it would end, but it didn't matter anymore cos I just didn't care.

Finally it ended. He stood with his arms crossed and nodded towards the exit. I looked at him one last time and realized that this was the end, we would never cross paths again.

So that was my first and only experience to date in a hamam. I highly recommend it to anyone who visits Turkey, it's an experience to remember. Never have a man's hands felt so good against my body.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Review: Sex and the City 2

I don't normally review movies here. But after watching this movie earlier today, I feel an overwhelming need to write about my experience. Because this is literally the worst movie I seen in a long time.

The biggest problem with this movie is there is nothing resembling a plot. Seriously, it's like they just filmed numerous scenes in different locations, and then just stitched them together to make up the horrid 2 hr 40 minute run time. Most of the scenes and setups in the movie have absolutely no bearing on the story.

I will try and explain what I think is the plot. I would warn you about spoilers but seriously, it doesn't matter. The movie starts off with this gay super over the top wedding that takes up like 20 minutes of time but then is completely ignored for the rest of the movie. Then Samantha gets an invite to go to Abu Dhabi , and she gets her 3 best friends to go along. Carrie is bored with her hubby , Miranda has no job, and Charlotte is overwhelmed with her kids so they all decide to go with Sam for a break.

The next 2 hours is dedicated to them going around Abu Dhabi. There is a overlong scene where they go on a trip on a dessert which seems to only serve to introduce a new character who appears in a jeep , introduces himself and then leaves. He appears later in another scene, fools around with one of the women and then disappears.

Imagine comedy sketches one after another , but totally unfunny, that's basically this movie. In the end they finally try to make up a plot by throwing a guy at Carrie to test her faithfulness to her hubby, but it is all quickly resolved.

I have to give major props to the only character who rises above the retch-inducing mediocrity of this movie, it would be Charlotte's nanny. Every scene she appears in was a delight, and the fact that she had such short screen time was really unfortunate.

Bottom line, don't waste your time.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Classic Telemarketing Call today.

Got this call in the afternoon from this lady who said she was from Prudential.

Lady: Hi Sir, we are calling you to follow up on this survey you filled for us.
Me : Survey? I don't remember filling in any survey. When was this?
Lady: It was some time back. in 2008.

I burst out laughing when I heard that. 2008? Seriously? I am supposed to remember a survey that I did more than 2 years ago?

On hindsight I should have replied - "Oh THAT survey! Yes I remember that survey, it was the most memorable survey I ever did in my life, could never forget it." Ah well maybe next time.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

A Horror Revisited

I still remember it like it was yesterday , even though 2 years have passed. Still remember that evil glint in his eye. Still remember that pain that seemed like it would never go away. But it was like an itch I couldn't get rid of. I knew I had to go back to him. And so today, I did.

I showed up at his door, rang the bell and waited. A few minutes passed, and I thought maybe he would not be in, that maybe this was fate's way of telling me that I didn't need to go through with this. But just as I was about to turn away, the door opened. 2 years since he saw me, but his face hasn't aged a day. He smiled his wide leering smile at me, and seductively gestured me in. I tried to run away, but it was like I had lost the ability to control my legs. They moved forward and through the door of their own accord, all I could do was watch helplessly.

He stood in front of me and eased me back into his office chair. It was new, not the one I remembered being in 2 years ago. I could feel the soft leather against my bare arms. It felt different. Not in a good or bad way, just different. I closed my eyes, even though I knew what was coming next. Maybe I was hoping that when I opened my eyes he would be gone and I would realize it was all just a dream and start laughing. But then he spoke his first words and I knew it wasn't a dream. "Gilbert, it's been a long time. I am so glad you decided to come back." All I could do was nod silently, my eyes still shut tightly.

He left the room , but he was back almost immediately. I heard the sound of a zipper , and instinctively I opened my mouth. He forced it in, without even a word of warning. It was all I could do to not gag. Perhaps encouraged by my lack of resistance he pushed even harder. I kept swallowing, a reflex action to the foreign intruder inside my mouth. It all became a huge blur, I didn't know what was real and what was not. All I could do was to grip tightly to the sides of the chair and hold back the tears that were already forming in my eyes.

The oral assault continued for around half an hour. When he was done, the only evidence of what he had done to me, other than the pain, was the cold gooey liquid in my mouth. It was sticking to the inside of my mouth, to my teeth, to my tongue. I immediately got up to rinse my mouth but he stopped me. "No", he said. "Leave it on for another 30 minutes. I don't want you to eat or drink anything during that time. let it set in your mouth."

The only issue left was payment. I looked at him, ashamed to ask him. Mercifully he spared me the question.

"Go outside and wait. My assistant will call you shortly".

I got up to leave the room. It was over, we had nothing to offer each other anymore. Just as I was about to exit the room , he called out to me. I turned around and stared at his piercing eyes in defiance, daring him to humiliate me further.

"You really need to floss more often. At least once a day. And come back sooner next time, like in 6 months time and see me again. Alright good bye!"

I replied with a meek "OK" and left the room.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My First Ever Trivia Night

I was down at Brewerkz at Riverside for my first ever Trivia night together with 8 other friends. Basically how it works is 2 judges will ask questions from different categories like current affairs, music, movies and a mystery category , and you basically get points for every right answer.

Our group was a great mix of talents , basically everyone was good in a different category. When it first started it was general knowledge and current affairs which I completely sucked at. Sample questions from the first round yesterday:

1. What's 2010 in Roman numerals?
2. What are the two oxides that make up acid rain?

Thanks to a few of our team, we manage to get some of them right. It helps to have a science teacher in your team!

Second round was the current affairs section. Again I was completely lost.

1. When did the recent Gulf Coast oil spill happen?
2. Who won the T20 Cricket World Cup?

So I was kinda feeling a bit down since I was contributing like nothing to the team. Really need to start reading up on my current affairs from now on. Next section was something I hoped I would be good at the music section. Half of them are questions where you are given an album title and you have to guess the artist, the other half involve a sample of the intro to the song , you have to guess what song it is.

1. Album title - A Girl Like Me
2. Album title - Songs in A Minor

I managed to get both the above correct (all that time at helped). Su got all the questions relating to british bands correct. I also managed to identify Justify my Love by Madonna, mainly because I used to watch that video like a million times in junior college. We got the two questions relating to indie artists wrong (Jack Johnson and Kings of Leon)

Next up was the movie section. Basically they gave quotes from the movies, and you have to guess the movie. We were lucky that there was a Monty Python fan in our midst , we got both of them right. A few easy ones (Kill Bill 1 & 2, Matrix) and we were first!

Last category was General Science and Nature. It was a really tough category , I can't even remember the questions now. When the results were tallied, we were tied for first place!

We had two options . We could share the prize, or we could go for a tiebreaker round. The other team was willing to share, we decided to go for broke!

The final round was nerve-wrecking. I didn't know any of the answers. We pretty much did a lot of educated guesses and handed our answers in. Then suddenly one of us said he remembered the answer to one of the questions which was "What was the first man-made invention to break the sound barrier?" . We had answered bullet, he remembered it was whip.

We tried to change it since the other team had yet to turn in their answers, but the host didn't let us, saying we can't change once we submitted it.

Finally when the results were tallied, we lost by a point. Second place, but it was amazing considering it was the first attempt for most of us. I really wanna go for it again next week!

Oh right, I forgot to mention the group of guys beside us who kept going up to contest the answers or something. Like seriously dudes, get a life, it just makes you look sad.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

At the Clinic today....

It's not a good sign when you go to the clinic for a sore throat and cough and the doctor checks your blood pressure. Just another sign I need to lose weight.

On the positive side, I am loving my codeine-laced cough syrup!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The worst thing I hate about clubs is no longer a problem

As most of my friends know, I don't really go clubbing. There is a really simple reason for that. It is not because I can't dance (they used to call me Travolta back in secondary school) , but rather because my lyrical skills are often negated in a noisy club.

It has happened time and time again. I would spot a hot chick at the bar, go up to her and start busting my rhymes. And then she will reply like what the fuck are you saying you freak and tell me to get lost. Yes it is unfortunate that my rhymes lose their potency when the object of my desire cannot hear them. After a while I got tired of the insults and the drink throwing and just stopped going.

Until today. I just read about this revolutionary new product that solves my problem. Check it out yo:


Yep some genius invented spheres that allow people to hear each other clearly in clubs. Obviously this person was having the same problem as me, and she did something about it. You can so tell from the picture that those two women are going home together and getting it on. And that's basically what I am aiming for.

I can't wait for it to be released, I am gonna go buy a pair as soon as it's out. And the next time I go to a club, I am gonna put one on, pass her the other one , and then just let the magic of my words wash over the chick and bring her to ecstasy.

You can find out more about this amazing contraption at BBC News

Ode to Bernie

Bernie my love, my one and only.
Off to Melbourne, leaving me oh so lonely.
Gonna miss you, and your excessive flirting
Hate to admit it but it was the only real action I been kinda getting.
Here's wishing you the best of luck in Melbourne my dear
Even though I can't imagine not seeing you again, well at least till October.
So do me one last favor love, sing me another song before you leave.
Only this time, keep it to below 5 minutes please.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

Why I strike out with women : Example 32

So I was at a friend's office the other day doing some work on my little netbook. Well I guess she must have gotten a little hot and bothered by the sight of me working furiously (I been told I look kinda sexy when I am hard at work) , and she started singing to me. I think it was this song by the Killers called Romeo and Juliet.

I didn't really know the song but it sounded nice. Around three minutes into her rendition, I asked "Hmm this is quite a long song isn't it?".

The silence that followed that question I can only describe as deafening.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Happy Birthday Su!

Su my darling, happy birthday , you are now twenty-*****
Been a long time, still remember the first time I picked you up at seven-eleven
You looked so cute with your little pigtails and your tiny school skirt
Still remember your terrified deer-in-the-headlights look when I tried to flirt

It's amazing how we share so many mutual friends now, it's really something.
Most of them are actually mine but really who is counting?
It's your birthday, my friends are also yours.
Does it really matter that you have less and I have more?

Hope you liked the card, I really meant it
It's yours if you wanna take up my offer, don't say that to just everyone I meet.
But if not, at least hope you like the present*.
It was for mom but she pissed me off so congrats you are the new recipient.

*Present from me and Jo

Mother's Day.

It's the 9th of May
I woke up to a cold and rainy day
Hungry, I yelled for my breakfast.
Only silence greeted me, then I started to curse

Stormed out my room, shouted out for Mom
Looked everywhere, she was nowhere to be found
Called her on her phone, she was at my sister's
Asked her what about my breakfast, she said buy your own, mister

Shattered , I slammed down the phone and started to cry
The worst day of my life, I felt like I wanted to just die
Crawled around for food on my tired hands and legs
In the fridge I found a piece of half-eaten cake

Gobbled it down with coffee, that was my lunch
An hour later I started to heave, felt like my stomach was being punched
Shouldn't have eaten that cake, it was kinda moldy
But I was alone at home and there was no one to tell me

I am getting dizzy , it's starting to go dark
Not much time left, I have to admit this kinda sucks.
If this is the end, just have one thing left to say
Mom, hope you have a happy Mother's Day

Friday, February 19, 2010

My First Time Cooking Pasta

So a couple days ago I decided to try my hand at making a homemade pasta dinner for myself. There was nothing to eat at home so I went to NTUC Supermarket and got myself a 500g packet of spaghetti and a can of mushroom sauce. The instructions seemed simple enough , pour the packet into 5 litres of boiling water, wait for 13 minutes and then add the sauce and you are good to go.

Being a novice cook, I wasn't really sure how much 5 litres was but it sounds like a fair bit. And I couldn't find a measuring cup so I had to improvise - I found a blender jug that had markings in the cupboard so I used that instead.

Turns out that 5 litres is quite a lot but that's what the instructions said on the packet so that's what I did. I boiled it for 13 minutes as instructed and that was when I realized there was a hell lot of pasta!!

Yep, the small size of the packet belies the actual amount of pasta that is contained within. There was enough to feed 4 people. And then some.

So I forced my mom to eat like some of it when she came back home, saying that it is her duty to eat her son's first attempt at cooking and I actually cooked it for her and me. She unwillingly obliged, but told me to give up on cooking and just stick to what I do best (not sure if she meant IT or watching porn) . I ate as much as I could as well , but I had to throw out slightly more than 1/2 of it.

Well I have to say other than getting sick from overeating, my first pasta experience was pretty decent. The mushroom sauce I bought from NTUC was decent too, but probably go for something a bit spicier next time.