Monday, October 19, 2009

Tribute to Pornhub: You will be missed.

Was at the provision shop earlier buying my groceries. Got my bread, green tea , the usual. Except two items.

Shopkeeper: Eh you forgot your tissue and handcream, it's ok I go get for you.
Me: No it's ok. I don't need it.
Shopkeeper: Eh why? You been buying it every week for like the last 3 years. It's ok la , I get for you k?
Me: I can't tell you. But I won't be buying those items for a while.
Shopkeeper: No you can't do this to me!! You are my biggest buyer of hand cream and tissue, till I even order extra just for you!! How am I gonna sell all these extra stock now??
Me: I am truly sorry. Blame MD* k, not me.

And with that I walked away, his curses ringing in my ears. Yes MD*, I bet you don't know how many people you affected with your needless banning of this amazing site. Thanks to you, one shopkeeper will probably go out of business. I hope it was worth it.

But yes , this post is for my favorite porn site Pornhub. Pornhub first came to my attention a couple years ago after redtube was banned. It impressed me with a wide array of great features, from categories of their videos (anal, bukkake , mature women etc) as well as sorting of videos by most watched, most commented and highest rating.

I fondly remember all those lonely nights when I was feeling down and Pornhub was there (together with my trusty handcream and tissue) to allow me to escape to this magical world of beautiful women who seemed to be willing to do almost anything for my viewing pleasure.

Yep of course I did suffer from penis envy from watching the videos, but that feeling usually only lasted for like 30 seconds per video so it wasn't that bad.

I fondly remember my fav video the gymnast, about an american gymnast who gets private lessons from her russian teacher (with the worst accent ever) so that she can be be a true olympian. He wastes no time taking advantage of her while she does her stretches, telling her that to be a true olympian she must not be distracted during her routine. A totally brilliant plot device, it's like the Citizen Kane of porn.

But yes, from today it's all gone. Goodbye Pornhub, you will be missed.

Today I tried to access Pornhub,
Got a warning page, it's quite fucked up.
Hand cream and tissue beside me,
Totally useless now thanks to the authority
Why they gotta hate on us men,
what is the use of all these senseless bans
They ain't just hurting us, they just can't see,
they are also hurting our already fragile economy.
Ah Huat my shopkeeper, gonna go out of business
Relied on him for supplies all these years, now all he has for me are curses.
Thanks to you MD*
I hate you so much , thanks for ruining my day.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

The C hand sign

Well my Turkey trip is looming ahead and I been busy preparing for it, namely by coming up with ways on how me and D aren't gonna get in each others way if an opportunity comes up with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Well it's namely for my benefit alright, what can I say, I have a way with the ladies.

So after much consideration, I settled on a secret hand sign that we can use if we feel the other is impeding progress of a romantic tryst with someone we meet in Turkey. Or in more layman's terms, cockblocking. Here it is:

D immediately questioned the practicality of my suggestion and how we could pull it off without startling the person we were trying to romanticize. Sigh, sometimes I think I am too nice. If this was Turkey, she would have probably have had her hand cut off for questioning a man's judgement. Also, considering I am the more likely one to be using it (like all the time) I really didn't see why she was so concerned.

Nonetheless I gently explained to her that there were numerous ways of incorporating the sign into a conversation we are currently having with a romantic interest, such as:

1. Talk about your imaginary cat, and then tell her how sharp her claws ah, and then do the C sign to illustrate.

2. Order a drink from the bar or waiter , but instead of signalling normally, signal with the C sign. If your date asks, just tell him/her that this is how we order in Singapore.

So yeah if that's not practical enough for her then I have no idea what is.