Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ode to Jo

Straight out of Toa Payoh , it's my gal called Jo.
She's got mad flow, and her skin a really nice glow.
She loves the burning sun, swims 30 laps just for fun
So if you like girls who swim and tan, then hey you could be her man.

Baked me a cake for my birthday, so touched I didn't know what to say
But still waiting for her present, why it's taking so long I cannot fathom.
She's going out of town late October, so I better give her another reminder
Damnit get me some thermal underwear, nothing else will show how much you care.

Yep that's for my trip to Turkey, cos in December it's gonna be icy.
Thank god I am hot and single, my heat's gonna make those Turkish girls tingle.
Going there with my mate D, she better not cock block me.
K wait this was supposed to be about Jo, so sorry, back to her my rhymes I throw

Men in her life many they may be, too bad few of them are worthy
Trying stupid ways to please, one of them keeps flaunting his fist.
Jesus talk about overcompensating, hey it's the truth dude don't ya start hating.
So Jo here is some advice, straight from the mouth of Mr. Ice
Go ahead, drop that zero
don't ya hesitate, get with the hero.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Tarot Reading

So it's the weekend and I went over to a friend's place for Hari Raya to eat her food, cos mom wasn't cooking. Met her grandma who was this really cool person who does tarot card readings and after much pestering from me she agreed to do mine.

So she asked me what I wanted to know, and since it seemed a bit rude to ask her "When will I get laid?" , I decided to rephrase it and said I wanted to know about my love life.

I could tell from her really sad look in her face as she flipped over the cards that I picked that it was not going to go well. After what seemed like an eternity (I think she was trying to figure out how to soften the blow) , she turned to me and said:

"You have too many fantasies, my son. Let them go or they will consume you."

K so I have an active imagination , sue me! Or maybe she meant my 1 TB porn collection, for what is porn but a manifestation of sexual fantasies for men? Or it could mean Candy, my fake vagina. Or my love of Hello Kitty bedware? I tried to get more specifics but she said she can no longer talk about that, and as she said that her face was filled with disgust. K I think she knows about the porn.

Next she fanned out the cards in a certain order and proceeded to tell me about my love life. I will not go into specifics here out of respect to myself but it wasn't great. But then she ended on a fairly positive note - she told me that there is this girl who likes me, and who I like too, but we haven't really "gone out". And then she banished me from her room before I could ask anything more.

After much thought and deduction Immediately I narrowed it to 5 women one person.

Yes, you know who you are. We were meant to be together. Why don't you call me and tell me because I feel the exact same way! Cos the old lady said you will have to call me and not the other way around. Hey, don't shoot the messenger. Don't hesitate k, I am waiting.

All in all it was a very interesting experience, so much so that now I am contemplating learning how to do it as well. Seems like a great way to pick up chicks. I could like tell her her future (leaving out any bad parts) and then end by saying something like "The cards say if you don't go home with the first Indian guy you meet, someone close to you will die."

Jesus sometimes I amaze myself with my ingenuity.