Friday, November 13, 2009

Unrequited Love - A Sad Tale (not me)

There was once this boy who asked this girl to go to the Nine Inch Nails concert. She said no, but she asked him to get her a video of NIN's Hurt cos it was her favorite song from them.

The boy was saddened by her refusal, but he understood that not everyone could afford to go to concerts like him, so he said he will get her the clip no matter what it would take, in the hope that he would win her love.

So he went to the concert with his friends, but he left his friends behind and pushed to the front of the crowd so that he could get a better view for the video. It was a scary sight at the mosh pit, full of huge angry white dudes way bigger than him all jostling for space. He took a deep breath and entered the area. He could hear his friends screaming for him not to, but he ignored them.

Almost immediately he got elbowed, trampled on and even knocked down to the ground by those brutes. Bruised and battered and bleeding heavily, he fought back, like a little lamb fighting for his life in a den of wolves. He had only one thought in his mind at that time, that he would get the video no matter what it took.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, Reznor sang that song. The boy whipped out his camera to shoot the video. His hands were shaking from all the blood loss and he could barely keep them steady, but he held on for as long as he could. Unfortunately he passed out before the end of the song.

A few weeks later he showed the video to the girl. The girl scoffed after seeing the video and said that it looked like an outake from Blair Witch that was filmed by a monkey.

The boy turned away sadly and started walking, trying to fight back the tears already welling up in his eyes. As he walked, he felt something sticky on his head. He stopped and reached for it with his fingers; it was blood. The head wound he suffered at the concert somehow re-opened again.

He continued walking, leaving a trail of red behind him.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Tribute to Pornhub: You will be missed.

Was at the provision shop earlier buying my groceries. Got my bread, green tea , the usual. Except two items.

Shopkeeper: Eh you forgot your tissue and handcream, it's ok I go get for you.
Me: No it's ok. I don't need it.
Shopkeeper: Eh why? You been buying it every week for like the last 3 years. It's ok la , I get for you k?
Me: I can't tell you. But I won't be buying those items for a while.
Shopkeeper: No you can't do this to me!! You are my biggest buyer of hand cream and tissue, till I even order extra just for you!! How am I gonna sell all these extra stock now??
Me: I am truly sorry. Blame MD* k, not me.

And with that I walked away, his curses ringing in my ears. Yes MD*, I bet you don't know how many people you affected with your needless banning of this amazing site. Thanks to you, one shopkeeper will probably go out of business. I hope it was worth it.

But yes , this post is for my favorite porn site Pornhub. Pornhub first came to my attention a couple years ago after redtube was banned. It impressed me with a wide array of great features, from categories of their videos (anal, bukkake , mature women etc) as well as sorting of videos by most watched, most commented and highest rating.

I fondly remember all those lonely nights when I was feeling down and Pornhub was there (together with my trusty handcream and tissue) to allow me to escape to this magical world of beautiful women who seemed to be willing to do almost anything for my viewing pleasure.

Yep of course I did suffer from penis envy from watching the videos, but that feeling usually only lasted for like 30 seconds per video so it wasn't that bad.

I fondly remember my fav video the gymnast, about an american gymnast who gets private lessons from her russian teacher (with the worst accent ever) so that she can be be a true olympian. He wastes no time taking advantage of her while she does her stretches, telling her that to be a true olympian she must not be distracted during her routine. A totally brilliant plot device, it's like the Citizen Kane of porn.

But yes, from today it's all gone. Goodbye Pornhub, you will be missed.

Today I tried to access Pornhub,
Got a warning page, it's quite fucked up.
Hand cream and tissue beside me,
Totally useless now thanks to the authority
Why they gotta hate on us men,
what is the use of all these senseless bans
They ain't just hurting us, they just can't see,
they are also hurting our already fragile economy.
Ah Huat my shopkeeper, gonna go out of business
Relied on him for supplies all these years, now all he has for me are curses.
Thanks to you MD*
I hate you so much , thanks for ruining my day.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

The C hand sign

Well my Turkey trip is looming ahead and I been busy preparing for it, namely by coming up with ways on how me and D aren't gonna get in each others way if an opportunity comes up with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Well it's namely for my benefit alright, what can I say, I have a way with the ladies.

So after much consideration, I settled on a secret hand sign that we can use if we feel the other is impeding progress of a romantic tryst with someone we meet in Turkey. Or in more layman's terms, cockblocking. Here it is:

D immediately questioned the practicality of my suggestion and how we could pull it off without startling the person we were trying to romanticize. Sigh, sometimes I think I am too nice. If this was Turkey, she would have probably have had her hand cut off for questioning a man's judgement. Also, considering I am the more likely one to be using it (like all the time) I really didn't see why she was so concerned.

Nonetheless I gently explained to her that there were numerous ways of incorporating the sign into a conversation we are currently having with a romantic interest, such as:

1. Talk about your imaginary cat, and then tell her how sharp her claws ah, and then do the C sign to illustrate.

2. Order a drink from the bar or waiter , but instead of signalling normally, signal with the C sign. If your date asks, just tell him/her that this is how we order in Singapore.

So yeah if that's not practical enough for her then I have no idea what is.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ode to Jo

Straight out of Toa Payoh , it's my gal called Jo.
She's got mad flow, and her skin a really nice glow.
She loves the burning sun, swims 30 laps just for fun
So if you like girls who swim and tan, then hey you could be her man.

Baked me a cake for my birthday, so touched I didn't know what to say
But still waiting for her present, why it's taking so long I cannot fathom.
She's going out of town late October, so I better give her another reminder
Damnit get me some thermal underwear, nothing else will show how much you care.

Yep that's for my trip to Turkey, cos in December it's gonna be icy.
Thank god I am hot and single, my heat's gonna make those Turkish girls tingle.
Going there with my mate D, she better not cock block me.
K wait this was supposed to be about Jo, so sorry, back to her my rhymes I throw

Men in her life many they may be, too bad few of them are worthy
Trying stupid ways to please, one of them keeps flaunting his fist.
Jesus talk about overcompensating, hey it's the truth dude don't ya start hating.
So Jo here is some advice, straight from the mouth of Mr. Ice
Go ahead, drop that zero
don't ya hesitate, get with the hero.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Tarot Reading

So it's the weekend and I went over to a friend's place for Hari Raya to eat her food, cos mom wasn't cooking. Met her grandma who was this really cool person who does tarot card readings and after much pestering from me she agreed to do mine.

So she asked me what I wanted to know, and since it seemed a bit rude to ask her "When will I get laid?" , I decided to rephrase it and said I wanted to know about my love life.

I could tell from her really sad look in her face as she flipped over the cards that I picked that it was not going to go well. After what seemed like an eternity (I think she was trying to figure out how to soften the blow) , she turned to me and said:

"You have too many fantasies, my son. Let them go or they will consume you."

K so I have an active imagination , sue me! Or maybe she meant my 1 TB porn collection, for what is porn but a manifestation of sexual fantasies for men? Or it could mean Candy, my fake vagina. Or my love of Hello Kitty bedware? I tried to get more specifics but she said she can no longer talk about that, and as she said that her face was filled with disgust. K I think she knows about the porn.

Next she fanned out the cards in a certain order and proceeded to tell me about my love life. I will not go into specifics here out of respect to myself but it wasn't great. But then she ended on a fairly positive note - she told me that there is this girl who likes me, and who I like too, but we haven't really "gone out". And then she banished me from her room before I could ask anything more.

After much thought and deduction Immediately I narrowed it to 5 women one person.

Yes, you know who you are. We were meant to be together. Why don't you call me and tell me because I feel the exact same way! Cos the old lady said you will have to call me and not the other way around. Hey, don't shoot the messenger. Don't hesitate k, I am waiting.

All in all it was a very interesting experience, so much so that now I am contemplating learning how to do it as well. Seems like a great way to pick up chicks. I could like tell her her future (leaving out any bad parts) and then end by saying something like "The cards say if you don't go home with the first Indian guy you meet, someone close to you will die."

Jesus sometimes I amaze myself with my ingenuity.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

How Transformers 2 was created (Spoilers ahead)

Starring: Michael Bay (MB), Scriptwriter 1 (SW1), Scriptwriter 2 (SW2)

MB: Alright guys Transformers make us a shitload of money. I wanna get the sequel out asap so that we can make a bigger shitload of money. Ideas! Now!

SW1: How about a plot where there is this all powerful cube that will destroy the earth if it falls into the hands of the decepticons, and it's up to the autobots to stop them?

MB: That was the plot of Transformers 1...

SW2: How about if we change the doomsday device from a cube to a pyramid?

MB: Are you insulting our audience's intelligence ? Do you think they are so stupid they won't realize it's the same movie?

SW1: Ok ok wait...How about we put the device INTO a pyramid?

MB: Great , now you are thinking! What else?

SW2: We will add a bigger badder Decepticon as well?

MB: Yes yes! Now we got ourselves a movie. K and of course with the increased budget I am gonna have triple the explosions. Damn if only they gave out oscars for most explosions in a movie!

SW1: Yeah they should. You would so win it. Or the least they could do is give you a kickass nickname , like Michael "Exploder" Bay.

MB: K enough ass kissing. How about humor? I wanna show those critics that I can tackle other genres as well. Give me some ideas.

SW1: How about if we make the robots fart?

MB: Oh god that's hilarious! More more..

SW2: Robot testicles.

MB: Ha yes yes. Cos robots don't usually have testicles!! So it's funny if you see one on screen!! Jesus you guys are amazing! Keep it coming!!

SW1: Errmmmm ....How about getting some of the robots to speak like black people. Cos you know , black lingo is always funny. Especially if you have robots speaking it.

SW2: Yea and let's add an old robot with a metal beard and a walking cane. Cos then it's like saying they age like us , that's funny too!

SW1: And let's have a mini robot humping Megan's leg. Oh god yes, this will be the role she will be remembered for 5 years from now.

MB: Superb! K last thing , I want more hot girls. I think that was lacking in the first movie.

SW1: Oh oh let's get Shia to enroll in a dorm where all the students are models! And then get one of those model students to be actually a robot in disguise to seduce him so that ...err.. we will figure that out later.

MB: Alright Guys, I think we got another hit on our hands. And I already got the idea for Transformers 3.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Burger King and Coffee Bean contemplating supporting Hamas

This just in. Burger King and Coffee Bean, after hearing that their fierce competitors Starbucks and McDonalds are donating to the Israeli war effort in the Gaza conflict, are planning to donate free burgers and coffee to Hamas troops.

No news on whether Subway and Coffee Club will be making similar donations.