Sunday, May 27, 2007

Shakespeare in Love

Went to watch Midsummer Night's Dream yesterday at Fort Canning with W, his gf F and my date/friend N. The play was alright, but it might as well be in French or Italian because I could only understand like 1 out of every 20 sentences that was spoken, it was in Shakespearian(Old English?) language. The open air, out on the field concept was nice, but I think a more modern retelling of the play would have been better, considering most of the people there probably haven't read the play in its original form.

Anyway there we were, on our 7 dollar Carrefour mat that I just bought earlier, (there was a much bigger one selling for 20 dollars but I felt it wasn't worth the money) on the green field watching the play when N started having back pains. It was probably from having to curl her body unnaturally due to the small size of the mat as well as me taking up 4/5 of the available mat space. I felt really sorry for her so I came up with a rather ingenious suggestion: she could sit in front of me and lie back, using my ample chest as a back support. Of course she doing that would have put quite a bit of stress on my back, but that's just the kind of guy I am, I think of relieving the pain of others before my own.

Surprisingly she declined despite my repeated offers. I then tried to grab her arm and steer her in front of me in between my outstretched legs (it is less crass than it sounds) but she threatened to scream if I didn't let go, so I did. She then started mumbling a few words which I really couldn't catch (something that sounded like "bloody perv" but obviously not that) and left for the toilet right in the middle of the play which I thought wasn't too cool.

So anyway things went downhill after that. Oh there was this really attractive teacher there that evening who was bringing her kids along for the play. Yes I do have a thing for teachers, it's just very admirable the way they inspire their kids. The way they instill discipline and act as the moral compass for the youth they teach. And also the way they punish boys when they been bad, like really bad. Cos I am sometimes really bad, and I need to be punished. With a cane. And ruler. And spanked as well. Anyway, those are the same reasons why I have a thing for female cops as well. And female doctors. And female clowns. K female clowns are for a different reason.

Ended up at Timbre, a really nice open air pub at the base of Fort Canning with a pretty decent live band. I wanted to request for My Humps by Black Eyed Peas and dedicate it to N, to make up for the earlier fracas, but she told me she would leave if I did. Women. I still don't get them.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I don't like breasts

K, what I actually mean is I don't like saying the word. Breast. Like when I order a turkey breast sandwich. Or when I want the breast part of a chicken. Maybe it's just me, but I feel uncomfortable every time I say it to a waiter/waitress. To me, the word evokes images of women nursing their children; it's not something I want associated with food that I am going to be eating. Am I the only guy who feels this way?

Besides why can't we just use the word boob instead? "Chicken boob" has a much tastier ring to it then "chicken breast" wouldn't you agree? And who can resist biting into a turkey boob sandwich? Not me! And guys can share chicken meat without sounding gay e.g. "Dude you gotta get a bite of this boob I'm having now, I swear you gonna love it!" instead of "Would you like to try some of my delicious chicken breast?"

But yeah, can imagine what would happen if I tried it at KFC:

KFC Girl: So your order would be a 2 pc chicken meal.
Me : And I want boobs please.
KFC Girl: I'm sorry?
Me : Boobs! I want them chicken boobs!

I could see how that could be misintepreted.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Chewing gum laws in Singapore explained (for you foreigners)

I got asked about Singapore's chewing gum laws at the party last Saturday, so for the benefit of all other foreigners, I am putting my answer here. This is for all of you who are thinking of getting into the lucrative chewing gum smuggling trade in Singapore.

You will be prosecuted for chewing gum trafficking if you try to smuggle more than 1 kg of chewing gum through customs. The rationale is that you can't obviously be bringing in 1kg for personal consumption. The punishment for chewing gum trafficking is up to 1 year in prison and/or 5 strokes of the cane.

If you are caught dealing chewing gum in Singapore the sentence is similar, and is even harsher if you are caught dealing to minors. However, in most cases, if you co-operate with the authorities and reveal your suppliers you might get off with a significantly lighter sentence. After all, they would rather nab the big syndicates then a small time dealer. You might even have to go assist in covert operations so that they can catch the syndicates in the act.

The type of chewing gum you are caught with also determines your sentence, Wrigley's peppermint gum carries the heaviest sentence because it's the hardest to remove from park benches, roads and other public amenities. However, it is also the gum that sells for the most on the black market, so it's the most lucrative as well.

Anyway I hope the above dissuades any of you from considering this illegal activity. I knew a friend who had a really bright future in engineering, but he was seduced by the lure of the easy money and women offered by the chewing gum trade, he thought he could stay in control. He made a lot of money in the beginning, but then he started taking bigger and bigger risks and that lead to his downfall eventually. He is now in prison and will continue to be there till the end of the year, his future and career totally ruined.

Don't let that be you.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Saturday Night Fever

Yes it was an interesting Saturday night, and there was a bad case of Stallion fever going around (don't ask me what that means). I was at a friend's birthday party and we ended up playing truth or dare.

First had to do a half striptease for one of the girls, it was not a pretty sight. I could see the girl closing her eyes and mouthing the words "Lord please save me from this hell" over and over again as I gyrated and exposed my hairy chest and sexy soft belly to her. While slapping my butt with my other hand.

For the finale, I was going to grind myself into her as an added treat but then one of the other girls stood up and screamed "Enough!! Leave her alone!!". Sigh jealousy can be an ugly thing to see.

The 2nd dare was to kiss a girl for 10 seconds, and by coincidence it was the same girl. The dare involved tongue, so I reluctantly tried to force my tongue down her throat, but her lips were pretty much shut so I couldn't really do it. I didn't really understand her reluctance, I mean the only reason I was doing it was in the spirit of the game so I thought she would at it that way as well.

After the brief moment of passion, she protested that there was no mention of tongue in the dare, and to my surprise the others concurred with her and looked at me with disgust. Alright so I probably heard it wrongly, excuse me for making an honest mistake! People can be so judgmental sometimes. The other girls flatly refused to kiss me for the rest of the night.

Finally the 3rd dare was for another guy in the group to kiss another dude. There were four guys in all, and he tried asking the other two first but they flatly refused. I was the last choice, and for some reason I felt a little upset at that. I mean it's not like the other two guys were better looking than me!

Anyway (again in the spirit of the game) I agreed.
It was just a quick peck on the lips; it wasn't as bad as I thought. Hmm it was actually better than the kiss with the girl. was disgusting and sucked like crazy, I hated it of course.

One incident that night did upset me. It was my friend's turn to kiss a guy. She was sitting right beside me, so I figured she would kiss me since I was the nearest to her and pursed my lips in anticipation. But then she turned towards me, gave me this venomous look of disgust, and then went over to the opposite side of the circle to kiss this other guy.

When she came back, I looked at her sadly and whispered "Eh tu, Brutus?". She also exceeded the allocated 10 seconds but no one protested against that, me I stick a tongue by mistake and they are ready to crucify me. I get no respect I tell ya. I sent her an email the next day at work, to let her know how upset I was. Here it is:

Here's a poem for you

Risking my job, but i guess this proves my love is true

The truth is I'm a bit upset

As hard as I try, I just cannot forget

That you walked all the way to the other side to kiss Rob

Why didn't she kiss me, that was my lingering thought

Sigh didn't you see me looking at you in anticipation?

Or was I not obvious enough for your consideration?

Anyway it's over and done with

But next time there's truth or dare, a kiss for me I hope you give

Monday, May 14, 2007

A question for you

Does kissing another guy make you gay? I'm ...errm..asking for my friend Milbert. And it's just like a peck on the lips hor, not like full blown tongue action one! Let me know.

I hate bullshit studies

You know what I really hate? Those studies that use so called "scientific" data to come up with a half-baked conclusion that just goes against simple common sense. I mean studies should be used to help mankind, not bloody hinder us. Here is an example of one such "scientific" study. Words cannot express my anger after reading this.

Crap Study

To all the women out there, I just want to reassure you that the study is complete nonsense and you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Stupid science!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Is it in his hands?

Was having lunch with a friend earlier and we had the following conversation.

Her: So a friend was telling me that apparently the length of a guy's fingers are indicative of a guy's (penis) size. Is that true?
Me : Ha that's complete bullshit la, I don't know how people come up with stuff like that!
Her : Really? How can you say for sure?
Me : *Raises up my hand* Do my fingers look freakishly long to you?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Last 20 Search Queries that led to this blog



I don't even need to say anything do I? Except that my favorite is "stallions having sex". Or wait sorry, it's "unhappy bubble of anal wind"!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I am a dancing queen, young and sweet, only ...17?

Was at One Night Stand last week with a couple of friends J and M and M's friend, a really attractive girl, we shall call her S. So we were all sitting down, J and M didn't really feel like dancing, but S did. So I decided this was my chance to impress her, so I gentlemanly signaled to her to get down to the dance floor and boogie.

Alright before I explain what happened next, I would just like to say that my preferred choice of music is hip-hop. I grew up on the mean streets of Chai Chee, listening to stuff like Run DMC and Grandmaster Flesh, I still remember having MC battles and breakdancing with all my homies at the Chai Chee kopi tiam near my place. Now that my street cred has been established, the music at One Night Stand was NOT hip-hop. It was like bloody 60s retro music, but I was confident that my dancing abilities were good enough to adapt to a different style of music.

So we were on the dance floor, but I wasn't really feeling the music, I just didn't feel the beat ya know? Then I remembered how Elvis danced in his videos, so I started imitating it by gyrating my hips wildly and flailed my arms wildly, just like those kids in those 60s movies. And I actually started to enjoy myself, was really feeling it!

But then barely 50 seconds into our dance, S told me that she didn't wanna dance anymore and had to sit down. Of course, I was a bit disappointed because I had already gotten a steady momentum going with my arms and hips, but again I did the gentlemanly thing and followed her back to our seats.

I was kinda bummed that the dance lasted so short, especially when I think I was really getting into a groove. Figured that maybe S was intimidated by my skillz and was afraid she couldn't keep up. I did accidentally overhear parts of her conversation after that with J, and I heard bits and pieces of it like "Windmill of Death" and "took my eye out".

At first I couldn't make any sense of it, but then it just came to me. It was so damn obvious. She was probably like having karate lessons earlier in the day and her opponent did this "Windmill of Death" move and almost took her eye out. And the memory obviously spooked her while we were dancing! Just my damn luck!

Anyway yeah that seems to be my luck with women recently, but I am looking forward to our next outing so that I can display my full range of dance moves, I mean I didn't even get to show my famous "Intergalatic" robot moves!