Friday, December 14, 2007

Stallion's Annoying FB forum post of the day

K this was from a thread in the Singapore Facebook forum discussing religion. Of course when religion becomes a topic of debate, you will always have the one Christian fanatic who will make completely baseless generalizations.

A Christian - "I believe any atheist in his darkest hour will shout for God."
My reply - "I don't know about darkest hour, but as an atheist I have shouted out for God during sex, does that count?"

No reply from her so far.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Please pet my fluff pet!

K I just got my fluff pet so you guys please go to my Facebook profile page and pet it!

Monday, December 03, 2007

What is green and pink and is damn bloody ugly?




Yes answer is my house who my dad decided need a splash of color. I will put up more pictures when it's done.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I found my calling

You know I always felt that my wealth of knowledge and experience in life could greatly benefit a lot of people. And it would have probably have done so by now, if not for the fact people usually either rudely shut me up or completely ignore me when I try to impart my wisdom to them. Until now. Until the birth of ...yes you guessed it...Facebook!

Yes, I been helping people in the Facebook's Singapore network with their problems. Everyday people post their queries, problems and issues in the forum on the network page, and I try my best to help them. Issues ranging from how to deal with a break-up to queries about life. Here was my answer to a very philosophical question about life yesterday:

Question: What is a bigger fear? Knowing or not knowing?

My Answer:

Knowing that you don't know.

[Cos' what] if someone knows something about you , and you know that he knows something about you, but you don't know what he knows, but you know what he knows could be something really important to you . So you know that you don't know which sucks cos it's really something you wanna know but you don't know, so my point is you would be better off either not knowing that you don't know what he knows, or knowing what he knows.


So for any of you who need my sagely advice , feel free to post there or even here, I will be more than glad to help, cos that's the kind of guy I am.

On a related note, I am still Tetris king.

Funny Quotes about sex from celebrities

Some really good ones here. My favorites from the list:

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

Click the link to find out which celebs said the above as well as read other quotes.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Stardust and Iris

I went to watch Stardust yesterday. It's really good, most romantic movie I have seen in a while. In fact it was so romantic that it made me lean over to kiss my friend after Claire Danes explains the meaning of love to a rodent, but thankfully I remembered in time that my friend has a girlfriend as well so it wouldn't have been appropriate. Oh and also because he's a guy. But yeah it's a great date movie so you should definitely go with someone special. And single.

Thanks to the same guy friend, I discovered a new way of picking up chicks. We were at the bus-stop after the movie and I was wondering whether the bus would take a while in which case we should go just take the train. Then he mentioned that we should check IRIS, the SBS GPS system that tells you exactly when your bus will arrive. They have a mobile site where you just enter the bus-stop number and the bus service you are waiting for, and it gives you the estimated arrival time. It was a really cool feature but I then realised it could be a powerful chick pick-up tool as well.

Just imagine this scenario - I'm walking past a bus stop and I see this attractive girl at the bus-stop. I saunter up to her.

Me: Hey babe , you look like you could you use some help. How about I lend you some assistance?
Her: Errm no I'm fine thanks. Please leave me alone.
Me: Hold on a minute there cowgirl. You do need help, but you just don't know it! I meant I can find out exactly what time your bus is gonna be arriving at this bus stop. Just by using my phone. And an available 3G network of course.
Her: Wow that's amazing, Is that really possible? It seems so magical!! Show me stallion, show me quickly I beg you, I'm actually getting kinda turned on right now cos I'm so excited in seeing this feature!
Me: Sure thing lady! (Whipping out my phone)...Oh I just need one thing to do that though, your phone number.
Her: Why do you need my phone number when you are using your phone?
Me: So that I can call you wherever you are and update you on the latest bus schedules of course.
Her: Oh of course, you smooth talker you, here let me give it to you!

It's quite brilliant yet so simple isn't it. I had so many bad experiences in the past picking up women at bus-stops that I stopped doing it, apparently for some reason women find it creepy to get picked up at places like that despite my brilliant pick up lines like "Hi, could you tell me the bus that will give me access to your heart?". But now thanks to IRIS, the creepiness factor is removed.

I wanted to try it out yesterday itself but my friend threatened to pretend he didn't know me if I did. Jealousy is an ugly thing isn't it, I mean it's not my fault that his phone isn't 3G capable. The Stallion is back in the game chicas!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

How NOT to approach a girl on Friendster…

Some tips and examples by the very beautiful Aarthi on how not to message girls on Friendster or any similar social networking sites.

Excerpt:

Case #4: Don’t confuse.
From:

*****
Date: Sunday, 1 April, 2007 1:02 PM
Subject: hello
Message: had to say hello that is one crazy profile i dont think i ever read one like it, so i had to reply i dont ever boast about if i’m handsome or for that matter ugly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder so it really doesnt matter what i think i am and ur not antisocial unless of course there r some dead bodies lieing around ur room yes ur narcissitic but u have to be a little which is generally called confidence and u take confidence add a little sarcasim and wallah u got u the bottom line is i kept reading


So lame right these guys. This would have been my approach:

Aarthi you are so so beautiful
I don’t need to give you my heart, for it is already under your rule
Your name is like a song stuck in my head - Aarthi Aarthi…
So will you make me happy and be my little chappati?

Aarth's Post

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A love song for math geeks



Excerpt of lyrics:

The path of love is never smooth
But mine's continuous for you
You're the upper bound in the chains of my heart
You're my Axiom of Choice, you know it's true
..
I've proved my proposition now, as you can see,
So let's both be associative and free
And by corollary, this shows you and I to be
Purely inseparable. Q. E. D.

Full lyrics

Monday, October 29, 2007

Just thought of a great Facebook app!

Wouldn't it be great if there was a Facebook application that lets you track the things that you have lent to people (money, CDs, DVDs, anything)? You can link to the person's facebook profile so that you can just message them directly from the application when you want it back. You can even include the date by which they should return it as well and notify them when the date has been reached.

What do you think? I couldn't find anything of that sort on Facebook just now.
I would call it the Facebook "Lending Tracker"!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

D & G Ad promotes gang rape?



D & G's latest ad is causing a lot of controversy - people are calling it extremely distasteful as it seems to depict a gang rape. I can see where they are coming from, you got a dude pinning down a girl while 3 other men look on. And the girl doesn't seem like she's having a ball of a time.

I don't think that it was their intention to make it seem that way, but then again God knows what they were trying to sell with this concept. If it was me, I would have switched it around and replaced the guys with women and vice versa, that would have made it pretty cool!

What say you?

Links:
1. Source
2. Other advertisements that are offensive to women.

Dude on the right has some really nice abs though.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hot tennis ballgirls.



Hugo Boss are employing hot models to serve as ballgirls in the upcoming Madrid Masters in Spain.

When asked at the press conference whether their actions could be viewed as sexist, a spokesperson retorted that the girls were not hired based on their looks, but for their expertise and vast experience in handling balls.

Link to story

Gay marriages should never happen or we are screwed (not literally)

Yes I been following the recent heated debate over the petition to abolish the law against homosexual intercourse. I been on the fence till now, it's time I make my voice heard against this horrid initiative.

I mean if now you let them have sex, then what's next, letting them get married? It's insane, where we do we draw the freaking line I ask you. But anyway I don't need to convince you, here is a page that makes it really clear to anyone with half a brain as to why gay marriage should NEVER be allowed to happen:

http://bw.org/gay-marriage.html

Straight people forever!!!!

Stuff I ate in Taiwan

K so a quick overview of my Taiwan trip last week. It was my 2nd trip and the language barrier is still sucky, but on the upside I gotta try some pretty cool food.



Yup makes your mouth water doesn't it? It's supposed to be some sort of dessert, we had it after dinner. Basically it consists of mystery meat and some gelatinous stuff. Thank God the portion was small, I managed to finish it in 2 gulps, and refused a second helping.



These are century eggs, in a "mixture of clay, ash, salt, lime, and rice straw for several weeks to several months". That's what it says at Wikipedia. I had it in Singapore before with porridge but never liked the taste, but these were surprisingly good. Nice presentation as well.



Again not too sure where this came from, but I'm guessing it's pork with cucumber strips. The sauces are peanut and chilli, and again it tasted way better than it looks. But I wonder, why the need for the little wooden stand for the meat?



We went to a restaurant famous for its crabs (hell they even had a story about crabs on their wall), and I don't like crabs. The irony. The rest seemed to enjoy them a lot though.



Oh and I have to so rave about this! It's the new entertainment system on Singapore Airlines. So cool right, it's a much bigger screen than the old one, comes with loads more movies/tv series and even has a virtual PC that allows you to edit your Powerpoint/Word/Excel docs that you can upload via a USB port although I haven't tested it.

I spend the whole flight watching the comedy series channel, was practically laughing out loud half the time. So cool right? And the business class seats were even more amazing, it's like a private cubicle for each person. Not that I am gonna sit there anytime soon.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I don't really like Arcade Fire (Is that wrong?)

Yeah will be in Taiwan for the following week. I try not to ask what is served for lunch and/or dinner but so far I know that I have tried pig's innards (way too chewy for my liking) and pig's ears (not that bad actually). Should have taken pictures but I totally forgot. Will try and post some tomorrow!

K you know how I was saying I might be going to Perth with Su? That might not happen, mainly because she's completely INHUMANE. I was telling her in the most polite way possible how I didn't really find Arcade Fire to my liking, that their music was a tad too depressing for my tastes (two of the band members lost family members recently and it inspired their album "Funeral"). After which I apologized for not liking the band even though I really wanted to, because I knew it was one of her favorite bands.

And can you guess how did she repay my sensitivity and kindness? I....I don't even know if I can repeat the words here, they were so hateful...Fine I will. She told me that the band was amazing and the only way I would appreciate them if I had family members who died. I looked at her with shock and disbelief - did she actually curse my family to death?

I thought to myself that maybe I had heard it wrongly, so I asked her very politely to repeat it. She repeated the same words again, but this time she gave this evil cackling laugh that chilled my blood and made me certain that she really meant those words, there was no mistake.

I mean if she specifically mentioned my dad it would be fairly acceptable, cos dad seems to be coming down with dementia or mad cow disease, he's always grumpy these days and really annoying to be around. So a quick (cursed) death would really brighten the mood around the house. But all my other family members are perfectly fine, how dare she!!

So yeah not sure if I will be still be going to Perth with her. Things seem to be way beyond repair at this stage.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Homogenic Evil Empire

Guess who is going to see Rage Against the Machine and Bjork live in Perth in February? That's right, ME baby ME! Oh ya there will be Arcade Fire performing as well but I ain't really into them. But man RATM, I can't wait to see them!!

I will be heading down there with Su, it will be just the two of us.
Tried to get other friends to join, but they gave a range of excuses that were really annoying. Like "my dad just lost his job" or "I need to save up to study abroad next year" or "I don't earn that much, it's too expensive for me".

Like seriously people where are your priorities, it's just a couple of grand that we are talking here at the most, and it's RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE. Your family won't starve just because you are away for the weekend, and it will probably motivate your dad to go out and find a job sooner, seeing how his kid is out there enjoying herself. And really, you can always go abroad to study the year later if you don't have enough next year, like DUH.

And if you aren't earning enough, then maybe you should ask yourself what kind of life you are leading if you can't even afford to go see a concert in another country. Is such a life really worth living? (that's a rhetorical question, the answer is NO.)

So yes it will be just me and Su, which to be completely honest is making me a bit worried. No don't get me wrong, she's nice and everything, but I have seen the way she looks at me when she thinks I am not looking. Being a gentleman I will not say anymore, but let's just say that the girl looks like she really wants to try out horse riding, If you know what I mean. Damn my bloody stallion pheromones that are constantly emitting from my body, it's really not her fault. But no I will not break my 3 year celibacy vow, will get separate hotel rooms if I have to.

Have to thank the really beautiful and completely amazing Natasha for agreeing to get the tickets and pass them to me when they arrive. Natasha, you would totally complete me if I was missing some body part, that's how much you mean to me. Thanks Darling. Now to get the flight tickets and settle the accommodation. Perth, here we come!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

To Su: Regarding the hymen incident.

I, Gilbert Thomas aka Indian Stallion, hereby apologize to Su for using her "hymen of hyperspace", without crediting her first. It was wrong of me to do that. I really felt that because she put her hymen out there for everyone to see that it became free for anyone to use, but after the threat of litigation I saw the light and now realize I was in the wrong.

I am never touching any hymen or hymen-related stuff from now on. I promise.

Again, you have my deepest apologies Su. :

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Some people are so sad

I think you all remember my heart-wrenching post about my childhood a few weeks ago. Apparently quite a few of you were moved to tears after reading it. Well I'm glad I am able to share that part of my life with you, it was not easy for me. In a way, I let you guys break through my hymen of hyperspace. It was painful at first, but in the end it was worth it.

But unfortunately not everyone was as moved. There were two people who tried to destroy my achievement in Facebook Tetris by actually TRYING to beat me. How sad they are. Do they not know that I am and forever will be the king of Facebook Tetris? How can they hope to beat me when they have not gone through the same hardship as I have? I just don't get it.

But nevertheless they still tried and one even did beat my score. But of course his joy was short-lived, I topped his score again yesterday. Using only one hand. While jerking off with the other. Just because I can. But I feel that these two pretenders need to be shamed for even daring to beat the king. So here they are:





K I removed their names and pictures for the sake of preserving their dignity. Yes Gilbert, despite being the ultimate Facebook Tetris King, is still compassionate.

Oh and for those who play S-TRIS 2 (Tetris for Symbian), check out no. 45 at this page. Yes that's me!

p.s. Yes I know this post basically killed off any chance of me getting laid over the next 2 years, but it was worth it!

Monday, October 08, 2007

Why I love facebook Part 3

It lets me express my creative side. Here's a painting I drew for a friend of mine using Superwall's Graffiti function. It took me like an hour but I wanted to make sure it was as realistic as possible, they don't call me a perfectionist for nothing! It's my interpretation of the struggle that she faces in her life, very artistic hor? Name removed for privacy.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Why I love facebook: Reason No. 2


It allows me to pretend to be someone that I could never be in real life.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Why I love facebook.

Reason 1: It lets me show off my tetris skills.



Yes to others tetris might just be a game, but for me it's a reminder of a very painful childhood. Yes it might come as a shock to you guys that behind this friendly and jovial demeanor lied a very disturbed and lonely child.

I was neglected by my parents who showered all the love and attention on my elder sister. She had the best toys, the best food, the best clothes, basically everything she would ask for. I got thrown the scraps on the table after they had finished dinner if I was lucky, but not before they made me beg (sometimes even bark) for it each time so that they could have a laugh at my expense.

I only had one toy which was a rock that I use to pretend gave me magical powers. Like the power to make my parents love me, but of course that never happened. Clothes I usually took off corpses of beggars on the street. As you can see, I definitely did not have it easy.

One day as I was rummaging through the trash looking for something to eat for my tea break, I stumbled upon a strange device. Yes, as you can guess it was one of those tetris handheld consoles that were so popular that time. I pressed the "ON" button and amazingly it sparked to life and the bricks started falling down the screen. But then I realized that the bottom half of the screen was spoiled, that you couldn't see where they landed. That was probably why it was thrown away in the first place.

But like they say, beggars can't be choosers, so I took it home and started playing it. Due to the spoiled screen I had to memorize where the bricks fell as I couldn't see them. Slowly but surely I improved and very soon I became a pretty amazing player.

That console gave me new found confidence which annoyed my sister to no end. I no longer begged for the food no matter how much they made me, I knew I deserved better. That simple console gave me the will to be strong and to stand up for my rights.

Alas it was not meant to be. I came back one day from school and realized that the console was missing. No one uttered a word, but I could see their evil smiles as they watched me frantically searching for it. They knew they had won, that they had taken the source of my vigor and confidence that I been displaying the last few weeks. And they took my magical rock as well just to add salt to the wound.

That was a long time ago, and I had all but forgotten about it, the painful memory pushed back into the deep recesses of my mind. But a week ago I saw the tetris game on facebook and it all came back. But it was a good thing, now I finally have closure.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Dickmento

Really funny spoof of the movie Memento. Contains very adult humor.

Dickmento Video


It's amazing how people can take advantage of a disability for their own selfish purposes.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Singapore Supergirl

Thanks to J for showing me this, this girl totally blows my mind, you have to check her website out. I mean she got a book of poems out at the age of 19, don't pray pray. I was still learning how to read at that age for god's sake.

A few choice snippets from her website:

"...she’s rarely satisfied with doing boring things like what billions of other people do— like being ordinary, for one."

You know what, I feel fucking ordinary now after reading all her achievements. The only extraordinary thing about me is the length of my penis, but seriously how far can that take me? (especially when I haven't been getting laid.)

"To fully describe Lydia Rahman though, one would have to seek far beyond all the words in the English language and even look to other languages — such is her variety and depth"

Only now do I realise the horrible and vast limitations of the English language. We should all learn another language, like the clicking one they use in the movie "Gods Must be Crazy".

"Lydia Rahman very possibly invented the term 'effectively bilingual' , as she is able to communicate oh-so-effectively in both English and Malay and seamlessly code-switches between both to the desired effect."

Sigh I wish I could invent a word. Like "Stallionize", that would make a good word. Hey I just invented a word!!!!

"What is the biggest misconception people have of you?

That I’m a snob who fancies herself a diva. Sombong. "


OMG I can't really imagine why anyone would think that. She freaking (possibly) invented a word people!!!! Give the girl some respect won't ya!! You Lydia haters are just bloody ordinary people, all few billion of you!

Lydia's website: http://www.lydiarahman.com

A joke for you

This is a joke I found from Reader's Digest (I subscribed to it a couple months back). I found it really funny so thought I would just share it.

--Start of Joke---

A ventriloquist in a comedy club was doing a routine where his dummy was mouthing off a slew of rude blond jokes. The act was pretty funny and soon the entire audience was in stitches. But then suddenly this blond woman stood up and began to speak angrily:

Blond Girl: I find your jokes extremely offensive and chauvinistic! Can't you see that you are just perpetuating traditional stereotypes by making such jokes and as a result hindering women such as myself from being taken seriously by our male counterparts?

Ventriloquist: (Stammering) I...I...Maam....I am really sorry maam, you are right, I sincerely apologize for offending you, it was very insensitive of me. I hope you accept my apologies.

Blond Girl: Hey mister stop interrupting, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the boy on your lap!

--End of Joke--

If you didn't find it funny, well errm humor is subjective?

K on a more serious but related note, I recently read about this very interesting motivational tool used by Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld used this method to come up with a joke a day for many years, never skipping a day.

How he did this was he had this huge calendar in his room, and he put a big X over the calendar date for every day he successfully came up with a joke. The longer he keeps to it , the longer the chain of Xs grows, and the harder it is for him to skip a day and break the chain.

It's a very interesting method, and so I decided to put it to the test. There is a website equivalent for those who prefer a web-based calendar called www.dontbreakthechain.com, I am using it and so far I am on my 2nd consecutive day for all three daily tasks I set myself. You can probably guess one of them.

Only time will tell if this thing helps me stick to them. Will update again regarding this little experiment in a month.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Don't let ugly women into the clubs damnit

Disclaimer: K another horribly outdated post, but hey I been busy alright. I am recalling the incident from memory, so some of the details might be slightly off the mark.

There was a big uproar a couple of months ago when a local club told an elderly mature club goer that she had to pay cover even though it was ladies' night. She wrote to the papers about her treatment and this caused a miWhen asked by a reporter why the unusual condition, a representative of the club explained that the intention of ladies' night was to attract young (attractive?) women to the club, and so the waiver of the cover charge only applies to women below a certain age (I think it was 35 but I can't remember)

His comments caused quite a stir with many criticising the club for being insensitive and adopting a chauvinistic attitude. Me I don't see what the big deal is, in fact I stand by the guy. When I go to a club I don't wanna see people who look like my mom or my dead grandma (God bless her soul) there, that's just gonna spoil my mood to party. I don't wanna be grinding against some chick's ass on a crowded dance floor and then the minute she turns around I find out it's my aunt.

I think the no cover benefit should also NOT be extended to other women who don't fit the "young and attractive" description, after all that IS the whole point of ladies' night. But I will admit, it was a bit insensitive for the bouncer to tell the mature lady that she had to pay cover in front of the other clubbers, that was probably a pretty embarassing experience for her. So my solution to the problem is to put up a signboard outside the club that says something like this:

Ladies Night:
No cover charge for ladies below 35. This benefit does not apply to women who are visibly mentally or physically disabled, who have visible burn marks or scars, who weigh more than 70 kg, have extremely bad acne or have a visible hump or limp. Oh, and if more than 3 people in your life have called you fugly in the last 6 months, then you probably have to pay cover as well.


Yes it makes perfect sense, I think it would be kinda hard to hook up with someone in a club if she was in a wheelchair or looks like Quasimodo's long lost twin sister. At least with a signboard like this, women who don't fit the bill save themselves the humiliation of getting rejected face to face, they can just head back home as soon as they see the sign. Not to mention saving on the queuing time.

The beautiful people, the beautiful people
It's all relative to the size of the steeple.

-Marilyn Manson

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Off to Bangkok!

Yup gonna be there from tomorrow and back on Sunday afternoon. And as luck has it, I am gonna be celebrating my birthday there as well (this Thursday). Alone. K fine not gonna be alone, that would be kinda sad, I am planning to hire the services of certain women who provide companionship for a nominal fee. Hey it's my birthday after all, stop judging me assholes!! Wonder if they have any birthday discounts.

Have a load of half-finished blog entries but been just too damn busy to finish them. Totally outdated entries like my take on local clubs charging mature women for cover on ladies' night, and also the operation I had on my face 3 weeks ago. Yes big things have been happening in the life of the Stallion, hopefully you get to read about them soon.

That's my quick update for now, more when I get back.

Monday, August 20, 2007

I got a nice ass crack Part 2

So I ended my last post with me sitting in a sexy hospital gown in the waiting area with everyone else fully clothed. Well that's what you get when you go to a government subsidized medical facility - you pay much less, but you give up your dignity. It's not that bad a trade actually; we are talking about a savings of a couple of hundred dollars.

As I waited patiently I noticed this old man a couple of chairs away from me who was blatantly ogling my legs. I got really pissed off. What am I? Some piece of meat for him to sink his dentures into? So I decided to mess around with him, I started crossing and uncrossing my legs really sexily ala Basic Instinct. It drove him crazy with lust, he started getting all fidgety and excited, I would bet my heterosexuality that he was wishing he was sitting opposite me.

Eventually I got tired of our little game and stopped, and I could see him staring angrily at me, knowing that he had been played. That's what you get for being an old perv you asshole, you probably have a son my age. But to be honest, it actually felt good having people steal glances at me, kinda made me feel sexy. Perhaps I'm a closet exhibitionist?

Anyway, after what seemed like an eternity, I was called into the X-ray room where I was handed over to this rather cute radiologist. She told me to strip down to my underpants and lie on the table, and so I did, despite the freezing temperature in the room. As she was preparing to take the X-ray I pointed out to her that my boxers had buttons, was unsure if I could have them on. She told me no, that I had to pull them off to my ankles for the X-ray, and so I did.

The next thing I heard was the clattering of something that was dropped onto the floor. Yes, apparently the radiologist dropped the clipboard when I pulled down my boxers. I smiled (knowing the reason for her shock) and turned to look at her, expecting to see her face flushed with embarrassment. Instead, I was greeted with a bemused smile. I looked down at my groin area and there was…..shrinkage. Like MAJOR shrinkage.

In my defense it was like -20 degrees Celsius in the damn room, things contract when it’s cold, and I estimate that we are talking about a contraction of at least 15 inches. And that is a very conservative estimate. And I been swimming a lot for the past few weeks before that, and you know the whole osmosis thingy, that probably contributed to the shocking reduction of Little Stallion.

I started to explain to her the reason for my condition, but she quickly dismissed me and told me to stay still. She then started to poke me right below my tummy for reasons unknown to me. Like hello that’s not where my butt is. If I didn’t know better I would have sworn that she was trying to turn me on, just to make sure I was a guy. Like I said, there was major shrinkage.

Eventually my ordeal thankfully ended, and the results were not good. I did have a fracture in my tailbone and a “displacement”, whatever that means. I have to go for a CT scan next week to see the extent of my butt trauma. Yippee.

Monday, August 13, 2007

I got a nice ass crack

I was at the clinic a few days ago to get my butt checked, it's been hurting a lot. No, I am not going to tell you how or why it hurts, let's just say it involved me and another guy and he didn't do something he was supposed to do. You know who you are, you butt wrecker.

Anyway like I was saying, I was at the clinic describing my ailment to the doctor. The next thing you know he has me facing the wall and starts poking my lower back and asks me if there was any pain. I was like of course not and told him that the pain was much lower. So he starts jabbing his finger lower and lower until he hits the sweet spot, upon which I give a sharp yelp. He then tells me that I could have a tail bone fracture (judging from the sharpness of my yelp?) and sends me for an X-ray at the radiology department, and off I went.

At the radiology department, I was asked to change to a hospital gown. I got into the changing room, which just happened to be right in front of the waiting area where 30 people were seated. Yep apparently privacy isn't really a priority to this people. I went to the changing room and changed to the gown, and realized to my horror that it was damn bloody small, I showing a hell lot of leg, more than I was comfortable with.

I walked out wearing it and immediately saw 30 pairs of ogling eyes staring right at me which I tried to ignore. I asked the nurse where I should wait, hoping to be led to somewhere more private but was told to sit in the waiting area with the other people. So there I waited for a good 20 minutes, me in the hospital gown while everyone else was in their own clothes. Yep, definitely not awkward at all. Will update soon about what happened in the X-ray room, that's another story altogether.

Friday, July 20, 2007

New Annoying trend + IT Chicks are hot.

You know what is really annoying? When you call someone and instead of hearing the standard ringtone, you hear a song. I called up a partner in India yesterday, and the next thing I know this Hindi song starts blasting in my ear.

Why the hell do people try to force others to listen to their songs? Why don't they get that just because you like a certain song that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has to like it too?  Why do mobile providers give that kind of power to idiots for them to annoy others?

K enough of bitcing. Been so freaking busy this past 2 weeks with a joint-project with 2 other software companies. Gonna load up on the drinks later, I need to release two weeks of work stress and pented-up sexual frustration.

Oh speaking of the project, one of the people involved from the other company is a chick. I totally didn't realise she was a girl till we met, till then we had only exchanged emails. That's in complete contrast to most of my experiences that the "girls" meet online turn out to be guys. ("F**K YOU Pamela! Pamela my ass!) Life is full of irony sometimes. But let me get back to the story.

So we met to discuss our collaboration. I sat opposite her, across the table, and she starts talking. In technical jargon. Using words like "API" , "provisioning" and "AD". (AD is Active Directory). It was love at first sight. I had to stop myself from standing up and coming across the table (pun intended), I was that turned on.

I stared at her lustily as she kept speaking, her words sounding like a stream of binaries (1s and 0s) to my ears. Eventually she stopped, and I sighed at the sudden withdrawal of that sweet voice. I realised then that she was staring at me, probably because I sighed really loudly and possibly also because I was leaning my upper body way forward towards her,  so I turned away shyly and started stammering about how I agreed with what she said.

I haven't seen her since, although we have exchanged a couple of phone calls regarding work. I am starting to miss her already. I miss you my little IT chicklet. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Things you never say to a taxi driver

I woke up late last Monday, thanks to an all night porn marathon. You know you are getting old when porn tires you out that you can't even get up the next morning.  Anyway, I quickly changed and rushed out of the house, and was just fortunate enough to catch the 8 am bus. However when I got off at the train station, I realized that I had left my wallet at my place.

I decided to take a cab back to my place and to get my mom to bring my wallet down to pass to me, after which I would just continue on to my workplace. I manage to hail a cab after a fairly short way, told him that I was going to my place to pick up something from someone and then to proceed to the city. I then called my mom to tell her to come down immediately.

When we reached my flat, I told the cab driver to wait for a bit since my mom wasn't down yet. For some reason he started getting all bitchy and telling me I should have called my friend down earlier and kept grumbling and being a complete ass. I got pissed, so I told him I didn't need to take this shit and I am just gonna take another one. He agreed.

I reached into my back pocket for my wallet to pay the fare...and then remembered that I didn't have it with me. I turned back to the cab driver who was looking at me angrily. I didn't know exactly how to explain to him that I couldn't pay him after saying I would take another cab, so I stared at him dumbly, hoping to stall for time till mom arrives..

Cabbie: Waiting for what?
Me: "I waiting for my mommy can!!! "
Cabbie: (With a look of utter disgust) What?? Aiyah Just get out of the cab, don't need to pay lah!

 I got out of the cab with my tail between my legs. Just as he sped away, mommy appeared with my wallet. Sigh, if only she had come a few seconds earlier, I would have really shown him who I was. Lucky asshole.

Monday, July 09, 2007

More Sex is Safer than Less Sex: Economist's Point of view

A four page essay from an economist's point of view as to why EVERYONE should be having more sex in order to slow the spread of AIDS.

Excerpt:

"A cautious guy like Martin does the world a favor every time he hits the bars. In fact, he does the world two favors. First he improves the odds for everyone who's out there seeking a safe match. The second favor is more macabre, but probably also more significant: If Martin picks up a new partner tonight, he just might pick up an infection as well. That's great. Because then Martin goes home, wastes away in solitude, and eventually dies - taking the virus with him."

Link: More Sex is Safer

Sex Tips (with video demonstration by 2 chicks)

I am posting this purely for its educational value. If only they had sex ed lessons like this when I was in school. (NSFW but no nudity)

Link: Sex Tips Lesson 9: Sex Positions

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Tension in the air

I been spending a lot of time with S recently. Let's see we met today after work. Last Sunday as well. Saturday night. Two or three times the week before.

And during all our recent outings I realized that there was something strange and different happening between us; a certain kind of unspoken tension now hung in the air whenever we met up. The tension that was, dare I say it, very sexual in nature. I thought long and hard about it and decided to bring up the subject today. We had a really nice dinner at Phin's Steakhouse, and then took a romantic walk around Tampines Central.

Me: So I will be seeing you tomorrow after work then for the movie?
S : Yes...I guess ...we will.

Did I detect a hint of shyness in her voice? Yes I am sure I did. A shyness that was never there before. My suspicions about us seem to be correct.

Me: We been seeing a lot of each other recently haven't we?
S : Uhhmmmm yeah we have.
Me: Yeah, a LOT. Hell the next thing you know, we might like just hook up? *giggle*

They don't call me Romeo for nothing. But yes, very subtly the bait was thrown. All she needed to do was bite on it and we could finally address this little 'thing' that was going on between us.

S: *laughs uncontrollably*
Me: Wait, what's so funny?
S: Oh nothing at all. *still laughing*
Me: (Exasperated) You know it could happen! When two people hang out together as often as we do, things happen!
S: Yes Bert, I am sure it could.

You could cut the ridicule in her words with a knife. So apparently my suspicions were slightly off the mark. Humilation is a sucky feeling. Angered by her insensitive treatment of my feelings, I hit back.

Me: Well laugh all you want sista. But I doubt there will be laughter when you come to me in a few weeks and say "Bert, I think I'm starting to have feelings for you." Cos when you do that, my reply is gonna make you CRY!!

S: Oh my god you are right, forgive me Stallion, please I beg you. Please, I can't imagine that happening, it would break my heart.

If she didn't use my nickname I would actually have thought she was seriously repentant. The rest of the evening was ...well the less said the better. Somehow I have a feeling we won't be spending as much time together anymore.

Monday, June 25, 2007

I'm Gilber-licious!

Yes I been hooked to the song Fergie-licious. How can you not, it's catchy as hell. Thank god my name isn't something like Anand. Ana-licious doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Blood on the Tracks

K a bit outdated, but this post was on draft for a while and I forgot about it. Till now. Disclaimer: If you are sensitive about suicide read NO further.

We recently had a few people jumping in front of trains in Singapore, sparking concern that more people might follow thinking that it was the latest trend in dying. (Previously it was ODing on pills) I always felt that dying that way was a selfish act. I mean why not jump in front of a moving truck instead? I highly doubt someone can tell the difference between being hit by a train or a big truck. But the latter inconveniences way less people and you don't even need to pay a fare beforehand. Or at the very least jump at one of the terminating stations (Boon Lay, Pasir Ris), so that the train service isn't disrupted to as great an extent.

A few have suggested that fences be built on every train station to stop people from "falling" over but they have been rejected, I am guessing the suggestion was rejected because of how much it would cost to fit all the stations in Singapore with those fences.

Anyway I came up with this brilliant and cost-effective solution one Friday evening when I was at home just feeling really lonely and suicidal. Instead of fitting all the station with fences, why not built one station for people who are thinking of suicide? They have to make it like a real station, with the fare-deducting gantries, the station attendants and everything.

Of course that would still not entice the potential suicide attempters, so the station will have one train that goes in and out of the station every 15 minutes. Of course there will be one trained counselor at the landing, in case they want someone to talk them out of it. But it will be completely voluntary. But if not, then they just wait for the train and jump in front of it. Hell they could even jump with someone else who was waiting.

The cost benefits are enormous. For one, there is no disruption to the train service, because it's not part of the network. Secondly, track and train cleanup can be postponed till the end of the day saving both time and costs, there really isn't no point cleaning the track immediately after a jump when you just have to do it 15 minutes later is there? Thirdly, no one will be traumatized by the suicides because the only people who are there are gonna die themselves anyway, so it don't really matter. Hell they might even change their minds after watching the mess on the tracks.

SO yeah that's my solution to the problem.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Starhub: You can't tell 5 digits from 6 digits!

Starhub has this new alert SMS thingy on their website where you can register for the service and get notified of shows by sms. I have yet to test it out, and not for the lack of trying. Here is what happened.

On the 13th of June, I went to the page where I was supposed to register , and this is what it said:

When you receive the 6-digit code, key the number into the box provided in the Security Code Confirmation page.

So I registered, and waited for the SMS which arrived promptly. Only problem was ...well see if you can spot what's wrong:



Tried the code, it didn't work. So I emailed the address that was stated on the same page. Got a response immediately. It was from the mail server informing me that the email address did not exist. Yup they actually put a wrong email address there for people to contact them with.

So I was forced to poke around the site to look for a valid email address. In the end I had to use the feedback form and explained that I only got a 5 digit code instead of a 6 digit one and also notified them that their email address on that page wasn't valid.

Got a reply the next day:
"We would appreciate it if you could retry as our test shows that it does sends out 6 digit code."

Which basically translates to

"The only problem here is that you can't tell 5 digits from 6 you f**king retard!"

I was a bit annoyed at the slight at my counting skills. And also by the fact that they completely ignored the part about having a wrong email address on their website. But hey, I am nothing if not patient, so tried it again and then sent them another email:

"Here is the screenshot of the sms I got in my phone. I tried it a few times
and it is still the same code. As you can see it is a 5 digit code."


The reply I got was that they have "informed the relevant department to look into the issue" and will get back to me as soon as they have an update.

5 days later, they got back to me:

"With regard to the My Alert sign up issue, our engineers have looked
into the problem you raised. Could you try signing up again and let
us know if you do not receive a 6-digit code on your phone."


So I did, and replied that I was still having the same problem. Here was their suggestion 2 days later:

"In order to remove the old copy of the My Alert pages previously stored on your PC, please clear the cache of your web browser using
these steps:
- Close all instances of your web browser
- Click on Start -> Settings -> Control Panel
- Select Internet Options
- Click on General
- Click on Delete Files, then check ''Delete all off-line content"
and click OK.
- Click OK to exit.

Please try again and advise if you are able to get a 6-digit code
after the above steps."


I took a deep breath, and tried their instructions. My reply:

"I tried the steps as you suggested. I still get a 5 digit number in the SMS sent to me on my mobile number.
I would think the problem is with the sms sending service (which is sending me a 5 digit number instead of 6) instead of my browser.
I have attached screenshots of how i register for the service, in case that helps."
(I attached 6 screenshots of the whole login process I went through)

Their reply:
"We are sorry to learn that you are still experiencing the problem. We
have escalated your latest update to our engineers for further
investigation. Rest assured that we will inform you as soon as we
have an update."


Finally today:

"Our engineers have advised to add 0 in front of 5-digit SMS code, in
order to get the 6-digit PIN for My Alert sign up, e.g. 044039"


My reply:

Thanks it worked!

And it only took 9 days. I wouldn't blame the helpdesk though, the engineers were probably the ones who couldn't be bothered. And it's nice that instead of fixing the issue that they just asked me to append a number in front. Maybe they should put a note on that registration page that says something like "If you get a 5 digit number, just append a zero in front".

Anyone else had similar experiences with Starhub?

Monday, June 11, 2007

Lost in Translation

Shenzhen sucked. Had a long post on why it sucked, but it was way too whiny so I ditched it. So let me focus more on the interesting parts of it. First is what I found in my hotel:



This is the first hotel I been in where they actually had condoms and other related items in the bathroom. They really do have a way with words, "being infringed by the germ during the journey of romantic life" actually sounds pretty worrying, and definitely scarier than "risk of contracting STDs". They really should use that phrase in schools during sex ed.

Oh and I also learnt new words at the hotel. For example, do you know what the opposite of complimentary is?



Another interesting thing that happened was when I was invited to a home of a local colleague and his wife, it was a lovely home and they were really hospitable. But as I was sitting in the living room I was treated to the sight of the wife's undies hanging in the balcony adjacent to the living room.

Yup that's all for my trip. Been really busy at work since I came back. So busy, that last Friday I went to bed at 10pm. Yes 10 pm. At first I felt like a loser for being home on a Friday night, but then I realized I was actually pretty cool because I was defying the social norm and being different from everyone else by staying in. And if that isn't the definition of cool then I don't know what is.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Back from Shenzhen

Was there from Tuesday to Sunday, and they block Blogger. It was probably the least enjoyable trip that I been on. Update coming soon.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Shakespeare in Love

Went to watch Midsummer Night's Dream yesterday at Fort Canning with W, his gf F and my date/friend N. The play was alright, but it might as well be in French or Italian because I could only understand like 1 out of every 20 sentences that was spoken, it was in Shakespearian(Old English?) language. The open air, out on the field concept was nice, but I think a more modern retelling of the play would have been better, considering most of the people there probably haven't read the play in its original form.

Anyway there we were, on our 7 dollar Carrefour mat that I just bought earlier, (there was a much bigger one selling for 20 dollars but I felt it wasn't worth the money) on the green field watching the play when N started having back pains. It was probably from having to curl her body unnaturally due to the small size of the mat as well as me taking up 4/5 of the available mat space. I felt really sorry for her so I came up with a rather ingenious suggestion: she could sit in front of me and lie back, using my ample chest as a back support. Of course she doing that would have put quite a bit of stress on my back, but that's just the kind of guy I am, I think of relieving the pain of others before my own.

Surprisingly she declined despite my repeated offers. I then tried to grab her arm and steer her in front of me in between my outstretched legs (it is less crass than it sounds) but she threatened to scream if I didn't let go, so I did. She then started mumbling a few words which I really couldn't catch (something that sounded like "bloody perv" but obviously not that) and left for the toilet right in the middle of the play which I thought wasn't too cool.

So anyway things went downhill after that. Oh there was this really attractive teacher there that evening who was bringing her kids along for the play. Yes I do have a thing for teachers, it's just very admirable the way they inspire their kids. The way they instill discipline and act as the moral compass for the youth they teach. And also the way they punish boys when they been bad, like really bad. Cos I am sometimes really bad, and I need to be punished. With a cane. And ruler. And spanked as well. Anyway, those are the same reasons why I have a thing for female cops as well. And female doctors. And female clowns. K female clowns are for a different reason.

Ended up at Timbre, a really nice open air pub at the base of Fort Canning with a pretty decent live band. I wanted to request for My Humps by Black Eyed Peas and dedicate it to N, to make up for the earlier fracas, but she told me she would leave if I did. Women. I still don't get them.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I don't like breasts

K, what I actually mean is I don't like saying the word. Breast. Like when I order a turkey breast sandwich. Or when I want the breast part of a chicken. Maybe it's just me, but I feel uncomfortable every time I say it to a waiter/waitress. To me, the word evokes images of women nursing their children; it's not something I want associated with food that I am going to be eating. Am I the only guy who feels this way?

Besides why can't we just use the word boob instead? "Chicken boob" has a much tastier ring to it then "chicken breast" wouldn't you agree? And who can resist biting into a turkey boob sandwich? Not me! And guys can share chicken meat without sounding gay e.g. "Dude you gotta get a bite of this boob I'm having now, I swear you gonna love it!" instead of "Would you like to try some of my delicious chicken breast?"

But yeah, can imagine what would happen if I tried it at KFC:

KFC Girl: So your order would be a 2 pc chicken meal.
Me : And I want boobs please.
KFC Girl: I'm sorry?
Me : Boobs! I want them chicken boobs!

I could see how that could be misintepreted.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Chewing gum laws in Singapore explained (for you foreigners)

I got asked about Singapore's chewing gum laws at the party last Saturday, so for the benefit of all other foreigners, I am putting my answer here. This is for all of you who are thinking of getting into the lucrative chewing gum smuggling trade in Singapore.

You will be prosecuted for chewing gum trafficking if you try to smuggle more than 1 kg of chewing gum through customs. The rationale is that you can't obviously be bringing in 1kg for personal consumption. The punishment for chewing gum trafficking is up to 1 year in prison and/or 5 strokes of the cane.

If you are caught dealing chewing gum in Singapore the sentence is similar, and is even harsher if you are caught dealing to minors. However, in most cases, if you co-operate with the authorities and reveal your suppliers you might get off with a significantly lighter sentence. After all, they would rather nab the big syndicates then a small time dealer. You might even have to go assist in covert operations so that they can catch the syndicates in the act.

The type of chewing gum you are caught with also determines your sentence, Wrigley's peppermint gum carries the heaviest sentence because it's the hardest to remove from park benches, roads and other public amenities. However, it is also the gum that sells for the most on the black market, so it's the most lucrative as well.

Anyway I hope the above dissuades any of you from considering this illegal activity. I knew a friend who had a really bright future in engineering, but he was seduced by the lure of the easy money and women offered by the chewing gum trade, he thought he could stay in control. He made a lot of money in the beginning, but then he started taking bigger and bigger risks and that lead to his downfall eventually. He is now in prison and will continue to be there till the end of the year, his future and career totally ruined.

Don't let that be you.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Saturday Night Fever

Yes it was an interesting Saturday night, and there was a bad case of Stallion fever going around (don't ask me what that means). I was at a friend's birthday party and we ended up playing truth or dare.

First had to do a half striptease for one of the girls, it was not a pretty sight. I could see the girl closing her eyes and mouthing the words "Lord please save me from this hell" over and over again as I gyrated and exposed my hairy chest and sexy soft belly to her. While slapping my butt with my other hand.

For the finale, I was going to grind myself into her as an added treat but then one of the other girls stood up and screamed "Enough!! Leave her alone!!". Sigh jealousy can be an ugly thing to see.

The 2nd dare was to kiss a girl for 10 seconds, and by coincidence it was the same girl. The dare involved tongue, so I reluctantly tried to force my tongue down her throat, but her lips were pretty much shut so I couldn't really do it. I didn't really understand her reluctance, I mean the only reason I was doing it was in the spirit of the game so I thought she would at it that way as well.

After the brief moment of passion, she protested that there was no mention of tongue in the dare, and to my surprise the others concurred with her and looked at me with disgust. Alright so I probably heard it wrongly, excuse me for making an honest mistake! People can be so judgmental sometimes. The other girls flatly refused to kiss me for the rest of the night.

Finally the 3rd dare was for another guy in the group to kiss another dude. There were four guys in all, and he tried asking the other two first but they flatly refused. I was the last choice, and for some reason I felt a little upset at that. I mean it's not like the other two guys were better looking than me!

Anyway (again in the spirit of the game) I agreed.
It was just a quick peck on the lips; it wasn't as bad as I thought. Hmm it was actually better than the kiss with the girl. was disgusting and sucked like crazy, I hated it of course.

One incident that night did upset me. It was my friend's turn to kiss a guy. She was sitting right beside me, so I figured she would kiss me since I was the nearest to her and pursed my lips in anticipation. But then she turned towards me, gave me this venomous look of disgust, and then went over to the opposite side of the circle to kiss this other guy.

When she came back, I looked at her sadly and whispered "Eh tu, Brutus?". She also exceeded the allocated 10 seconds but no one protested against that, me I stick a tongue by mistake and they are ready to crucify me. I get no respect I tell ya. I sent her an email the next day at work, to let her know how upset I was. Here it is:

Here's a poem for you

Risking my job, but i guess this proves my love is true

The truth is I'm a bit upset

As hard as I try, I just cannot forget

That you walked all the way to the other side to kiss Rob

Why didn't she kiss me, that was my lingering thought

Sigh didn't you see me looking at you in anticipation?

Or was I not obvious enough for your consideration?

Anyway it's over and done with

But next time there's truth or dare, a kiss for me I hope you give

Monday, May 14, 2007

A question for you

Does kissing another guy make you gay? I'm ...errm..asking for my friend Milbert. And it's just like a peck on the lips hor, not like full blown tongue action one! Let me know.

I hate bullshit studies

You know what I really hate? Those studies that use so called "scientific" data to come up with a half-baked conclusion that just goes against simple common sense. I mean studies should be used to help mankind, not bloody hinder us. Here is an example of one such "scientific" study. Words cannot express my anger after reading this.

Crap Study

To all the women out there, I just want to reassure you that the study is complete nonsense and you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Stupid science!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Is it in his hands?

Was having lunch with a friend earlier and we had the following conversation.

Her: So a friend was telling me that apparently the length of a guy's fingers are indicative of a guy's (penis) size. Is that true?
Me : Ha that's complete bullshit la, I don't know how people come up with stuff like that!
Her : Really? How can you say for sure?
Me : *Raises up my hand* Do my fingers look freakishly long to you?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Last 20 Search Queries that led to this blog



I don't even need to say anything do I? Except that my favorite is "stallions having sex". Or wait sorry, it's "unhappy bubble of anal wind"!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I am a dancing queen, young and sweet, only ...17?

Was at One Night Stand last week with a couple of friends J and M and M's friend, a really attractive girl, we shall call her S. So we were all sitting down, J and M didn't really feel like dancing, but S did. So I decided this was my chance to impress her, so I gentlemanly signaled to her to get down to the dance floor and boogie.

Alright before I explain what happened next, I would just like to say that my preferred choice of music is hip-hop. I grew up on the mean streets of Chai Chee, listening to stuff like Run DMC and Grandmaster Flesh, I still remember having MC battles and breakdancing with all my homies at the Chai Chee kopi tiam near my place. Now that my street cred has been established, the music at One Night Stand was NOT hip-hop. It was like bloody 60s retro music, but I was confident that my dancing abilities were good enough to adapt to a different style of music.

So we were on the dance floor, but I wasn't really feeling the music, I just didn't feel the beat ya know? Then I remembered how Elvis danced in his videos, so I started imitating it by gyrating my hips wildly and flailed my arms wildly, just like those kids in those 60s movies. And I actually started to enjoy myself, was really feeling it!

But then barely 50 seconds into our dance, S told me that she didn't wanna dance anymore and had to sit down. Of course, I was a bit disappointed because I had already gotten a steady momentum going with my arms and hips, but again I did the gentlemanly thing and followed her back to our seats.

I was kinda bummed that the dance lasted so short, especially when I think I was really getting into a groove. Figured that maybe S was intimidated by my skillz and was afraid she couldn't keep up. I did accidentally overhear parts of her conversation after that with J, and I heard bits and pieces of it like "Windmill of Death" and "took my eye out".

At first I couldn't make any sense of it, but then it just came to me. It was so damn obvious. She was probably like having karate lessons earlier in the day and her opponent did this "Windmill of Death" move and almost took her eye out. And the memory obviously spooked her while we were dancing! Just my damn luck!

Anyway yeah that seems to be my luck with women recently, but I am looking forward to our next outing so that I can display my full range of dance moves, I mean I didn't even get to show my famous "Intergalatic" robot moves!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Women are not like sunshine

I hate women.

Yes this is a rant about women. I keep giving my heart to the wrong ones, the ones who throw it back in my face while laughing at me for being such a trusting clown.

Remember my couple seat post? The one where I talked about the girl who made me weep by screaming in my ear that we would never be a couple. If you read the comments for that post, you will notice this particular girl (we shall refer to her as S) who told me that she would sit in a couple seat with me the next time we go for the movie.

Fast forward to the present day, April the 20th, 2007. The movie? Sunshine. The movie-goers? Me and S. I was gonna book the tickets so I called her to tell her that I was going to book the couple seats. Her reaction? She laughed. More like guffawed.

I'm sorry but am I the only one who didn't get the joke? What was the punchline because I certainly had no idea , even though the "joke" was supposedly by me. K alright there is another guy friend joining us for the movie, but a promise is a promise isn't it? Especially if it was something that someone said in public.

The movie is called Sunshine. Talk about irony, I really need some in my life right now.

UPDATE (21/04/2007): Loved the movie, although S hated it because she thought it was too depressing. Me, I loved it because of the philosophical issues it addressed, like whether the lives of people are expendable for the sake of the greater good and mankind using science to play "God".

Each of the characters reacted differently when they had to make really tough decisions - some were decisive, others were ruled by their emotions and ignored the logic, while some cracked under the pressure. If you are into sci-fi AND horror movies, you are in for a treat. You can read the synopsis here.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

How to piss off a Japanese girl

How do you repay someone who was super nice to you while you are visiting in a foreign country? Well for one, you SHOULDN'T piss them off by being crude and hitting on her.

K the problem with the stallion (other than referring to himself in the third animal) is that sometimes he says stupid things. I'm referring to something I did in Tokyo. Our Japanese host (whom we shall call Y) drove three hours so that we could see Mount Fuji, after which she brought us to this lovely eatery for tea-break.

As we were having our "macha" and green tea we noticed this rather interesting contraception contraption on our table, it was like a mini roulette wheel. Y explained to us that it's a fortune telling machine, basically you put in a coin and it spits out a piece of paper with your fortune in Japanese. We decided to go for it , and she read the fortunes of my two companions first. The paper described their fortunes in different aspects of their lives like love, finance, and friendship. They got pretty much positive news.

Then it was my turn. The ball spinned wildly was I put the coin in, and then a piece of paper spat out. Y read the paper for a long time. I inquired excitedly about what my fortune was in terms of my love life, which up to then has been pretty much non-existent. She looked at me with sadness in her eyes, the kind of look you give to a puppy that needs to be put down.

Me: So tell me what does it say about my love life?
Her: Actually the section on your love life is practically non-existent. But the good news is that your finances are in good shape. As long as you don't overspend.
Me: Wow thanks. But come on there must be something on my love life! Anything!
Her: Well there is something, but it's not really significant.
Me: It's ok just tell me.
Her: Well it says that You like to do...do...err..I don't know how to translate it to English sorry.
Me: Is it "Do women"?

The look she gave me was one of complete disgust. I was just trying to help her, but instead ended up pissing her off. It could be a cultural thing, maybe saying you like to "do women" isn't widely accepted there?

On the drive back from Mount Fuji, I tried to make small talk to diffuse the tense situation, asked her about the kind of guy she likes but she completely ignored me.

What do you know, that piece of paper pretty much got it right.

White and Nerdy



Yo check it out, really funny song by MC Yankovic, rapping to the tune of Ridin' by Chamillionaire. It's dope I tell ya, check out a sample of the lyrics. Word.


There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well I'm number one
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat, but I got a soldering gun
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Would you recognise something of great beauty if it's somewhere you don't expect?

The answer from most of you to the above question would be "Of Course". Beauty is beauty, regardless of where it is right? Well that was my answer too. My point to asking this is because it was the question posed by this journalist. In his Washington Post article, he talks about how he went about trying to find out the answer to that question.

His idea was really very simple (but ultimately very revealing) - to get a world class violinist to pose as a busker and play in a subway station in New York for around 45 minutes. Would people stop to listen to him considering the quality of his very emotive music (there is a video in the article of him playing)? Or would they just ignore him and hurry on to wherever they were heading to? Bear in mind, this is a guy whose concerts often sell out tickets priced upwards of a 100 dollars. To find out the answer, read the article here.

The article reminded me of the movie American Beauty, namely this one scene where the creepy dude who goes around filming everyone explains to his girlfriend why he does what he does. I actually blogged about it way back in 2003, during what I would like to call my "emo years", can read it if you want.

So after reading the article, is your answer still the same? Mine definitely wasn't. But I would love to see the experiment repeated in a place where the pace of life isn't as fast. Would the results be different?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I say and do stupid things when I am wasted

Went for a birthday party at Sentosa for a close friend last Thursday, and drank way more than I should. It's hard being an Indian sometimes you know, everyone has this expectation of you - namely you have to out-drink everyone else and then proceed to beat up women (or at least curse at them).

Anyway like I said, I had a little too much to drink, and apparently I said and did some stupid things. I remember vaguely preaching to a girl there about my knowledge of metal bands and the genre in great detail. I mean which girl wouldn't want to hear about such a lively topic at a party right? And I think I went on for quite a while as well. Yup they don't call me Indian Romeo for nothing. Probably made her night.

Ended the night at km8 (beach pub) by singing along with the birthday girl various songs from Muse, mainly taken from the Absolution album because that is their best. At 3 am in the morning. There was a whole group of us who were there, and apparently our vocal harmonies were not very appreciated as much as I thought they were by the others in the group. I think one of them thought it was two cats trying to kill each other.

Of course the worse part was that I puked. Yes, I did go away a fair distance from the group before I did so they wouldn't know, but still it sucked. Damn my one quarter Chinese blood, it wouldn't have happened if I was all Indian. Yes, my grandma was Chinese. So my dear Su (who has known me for 4 years), you better not say I never told you before (even though I know I did). Or maybe you never really knew me like I thought you did.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Are couple seats only for couples?

I went for a mini movie marathon last Saturday with a girl friend, we decided to stay up all night and watch two movies in a row - The Namesake and Freedom Writers. I proceeded to buy the tickets for the Namesake and then we both entered the cinema.

As we took our seats I realized that I had picked couple seats, you know the pair of seats where you could actually raise the middle arm-rest and get all cosy. I was naturally excited as I never sat in a couple seat before, and I started to raise the arm-rest.

Her: What are you doing?
Me : Raising the hand rest, what do you think?
Her: Don't. (looks at me sternly)
Me : But it's a couple seat! You are supposed to raise the hand rest!
Her: I said no. I wanna rest my arm on the hand rest.

She then glared at me till I let go of the hand rest, she gave me this pretty scary look as if she would have tried to break my arm if I tried to raise it. Was kinda bummed about her reaction but I let it go. And you know what, she didn't even rest her arm on the arm-rest the entire movie. I don't understand women sometimes, they keep saying one thing and then doing another.

The movie was pretty good if a bit slow, it's about an Indian couple who move to the US and their struggles integrating with the American way of life, and also focuses on their American-born children (mainly the son) and how he struggles with his roots while growing up there. The title of the movie refers to the son's name which was given to him by his dad, he rejects it and gets it changed without realizing the
significance of it.

So that was the first movie. We then went to buy tickets for Freedom Writers, and I indicated to the cashier that I wanted the couple seats again, but then my friend interjected.

Her: Just get the normal seats.
Me : But we sat in the couple seats earlier, why not just choose the same seats again.
Her: I don't want the couple seats, just get the normal seats.
Me : But I don't understand ....why can't we just get ....
Her: WE ARE NOT A COUPLE DAMN IT!! AND WE WILL NEVER BE!! JUST GET THE NORMAL SEATS!!

Yep, she practically screamed at me, and till now I still am not sure why. The cashier started snickering, and she didn't even tried to hide that fact from me. Humiliated, I silently selected two non-couple seats from the selection screen and paid for them. We went into the cinema again and sat down, not exchanging a single word or glance.

The seats felt very different, but not for the reason you might think. The immovable armrest between us was now more than just a physical barrier, it had become an emotional one as well. Directly behind us was the couple seats, occupied by a very snugly couple without any barriers between them. I would give you a review of the movie, but I was fighting back tears for almost four-fifths of it so I couldn't really concentrate on it.

As we left the cinema, I realized that there was still a barrier between my friend and I, one that probably would never be raised.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Mom tries to get me married Part XIIII

Went to a childhood friend's wedding reception on Sunday with my mom, my sis and her family. It's a friend whom I known since I was 6 so it was pretty amazing and a bit emotional to see her get married. When almost all your friends are getting hitched, that's when you know you are getting old.

Anyway we were there right on time (unusually early by Indian standards) and I suggested the table closest to the entrance doors so that my mom didn't need to walk too far when it was time to leave. Mom didn't want to sit there because a lot of people were walking past the table (since it was near the entrance) but I insisted rather strongly till she had no choice but to relent. But not before she insinuated that the only reason I chose that table was to ogle at the chicks who will be coming through the doors.

Sometimes I don't know why I even bother. You try so hard to be filial, but when even your own mom accuses you of being a leering perv you gotta ask yourself why you even bother. She really hurt me with that remark, but I tried not to let it show as I gently nudged her away from my seat which was facing the entrance.

So as we were having our appetizers, Mom started to make conversation with me but realised I wasn't really listening. Yes I was staring at the doors, but only to look out for my sister who would be coming soon, so that she would know where we are. But again she accused me of leering at these two lovely women who were standing by the door and inviting the guests. My patience was wearing thin as you would expect but I decided that she was old so I gave her a break and forced myself to listen to her conversation which revolved around my nieces. I had to stop myself from yawning a couple of times.

Then rather abruptly during our conversation, Mom asked me something rather strange.

Mom: Which girl here do you fancy?
Me: Err why? What you gonna do?
Mom: Just tell me, maybe I can arrange something. You aren't getting younger you know.
Me: K let me get this straight. All I need to do is choose a girl and you will what? Wait let me guess, you will go up to her and tell her "hey it's your lucky day! Do you see that handsome boy there giggling and waving at you? That's my son and out of all the girls at this reception he picked you to be his wife. So where's your parents, let me talk to them and make your greatest dream come true!" ?
Mom : Don't be flippant. I am just gonna get your father to find out who her parents are and then we can talk to them and see what happens.
Me : Oh that's all? To think I was actually worried of being embarrassed, silly me.

Needless to say, I did NOT pick anyone, and I tried not to stare at any girl there for more than 5 seconds less she thinks I am interested in that particular girl. So I was forced spent the rest of the wedding alternating between looking at the floor and staring at young children.

So yeah that's my mom for you. Makes your mom seem like the coolest gal ever doesn't she.

Top 6 Highlights from Tokyo

1. The FOOD!!!

OMG I am so in love with Japanese food now. Sushi, sashimi, tempura, yakitori, ebi mentai, eel etc. I love it so much that I requested for Japanese food in Shanghai (to the bemusement of my Chinese colleagues) and also went to Sushi Tei the day after I got back. Nothing tastes better to me right now than fat free meat with a healthy dose of wasabi. Damn just writing about it makes me crave it even more.

2. Karaoke

Yes I love it damnit. Japanese angel brought us to a karaoke joint and although I started off a bit shaky I got the hang of it and was belting out hits like Creep by Radiohead, Stockholm Syndrome by Muse, To Be with You by Mr Big and Cry Me A River by Justin Timberlake. K the last song was not a smart choice because I couldn't hit the high notes eventhough I really tried. It was not pretty. My choice of Hero by Mariah Carey was also met with an uncomfortable silence, but I think I won them over with my rather heartfelt rendition. Yes I used to be the biggest Mariah Carey fan. You got a problem with that?

3. My travel partner

Was a bit apprehensive about travelling with companions after some bad experiences in the past, but it ended up way way better than I even hoped. In our enforced proximity in Tokyo we gotta know each other much better and closer, which was a pleasant surprise. You were a lot of fun darling, and I really hope to do it again very soon! Oh yeah Tom you were pretty alright too.

4. The Japanese Angel

Our amazing host who I blogged about a while back, she is grace, beauty and pure goodness rolled into one. I am still amazed at what she did for us, without expecting anything in return. A rare person indeed.

5. Roller Coaster at Tokyo Dome

2nd time on it and just as scary! I wish I could go on it again and again, but the freaking queue is just too damn long, and at 10 bucks for a ride lasting less than a minute it's not cheap

6. Our last hotel

We slept on futon beds which I swear to god were the most comfortable beds I ever slept on. I knocked out almost immediately as soon as I lay on them.

Can't wait to go again and see all the things I missed the last time. The parks, temples and the kabuki theater.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Quick Update

K I just got back from Tokyo, had a blast there, will upload pictures as soon as I can. That means this weekend because I am off to Shanghai in the afternoon. Will be back on Sat at 2 pm if anyone wants to welcome me at the airport. Now am off to bed!

Arigato Kosaimas!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I met an angel today

Quick update from me , it's my first day in Tokyo. Didn't get any sleep last night because I was trying to finish my slides for work before I left. Didn't get much sleep on the plane as well (my flight was at 6 am) because I can't sleep on planes. So by the time I reached Tokyo 8 hours later I was as stoned as a ....stone.

But then there was this amazing angel who met us at the airport. It was the friend of my friend, and she basically drove us the whole day around Tokyo. And she even paid for everything (despite our protests), from the tickets up to the Tokyo Tower as well as to the most delicious dinner spread that I have personally tasted in a long while. And I am pretty sure it wasn't cheap either.

I have to say I never thought before this that anyone could be that nice, especially to a stranger (I didn't know her before this) and to a casual acquaintance (she met my friend only once before). I can only hope she comes to Singapore soon so that I can return the favor.

But yeah I guess that's what I like about travelling. You get to meet people who just keep surprising you, and who are so different from what you expect back home.

I came here to Tokyo feeling tired and pretty cold.
But then an angel swept down and saved us two poor souls.
She drove us from the airport and brought us to Tokyo Tower.
All in all the entire day she drove us for almost 6 hours.
And in the evening we were treated to a fantastic dinner.
I ate so much that my stomach bursting became a real fear.
So ended my first day in lovely Japan
Thought it was just ok my first time, now am a huge fan.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Off to Tokyo

Alright am off to Tokyo in half an hour. Will be back on the 27th.

Talk about bad luck. I actually arranged for this trip to go see Red Hot Chilli Peppers who were supposed to perform there this Friday, but Anthony Kiedis got pneumonia (damn you pneumonia) and they had to cancel. Anyway still am gonna enjoy myself, I need a break.

Only thing that sucks is I am gonna miss local food again for a whole week. I really missed it when I was in Taiwan, and I been back in Singapore for only 4 days. I missed it so much that on the evening I came back from Taiwan, I picked up the phone and ordered Sarpino's pizza! Nothing says home like Sarpino's I tell ya.

Alright I'm off. Will update from Tokyo if I can!

Sayonara!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Kiss and Ride

Was in Taiwan for the whole of last week for work. Saw this sign at the station on Friday as I was waiting for the bullet train to get from Tainan to Taipei.



Of course I started wondering what Kiss and Ride meant. Pondered it for a while, then I got it. It's basically a place outside the train station where you pick up hookers. You basically drive up to that place and call one of the hookers standing there. She would then give you a kiss, you know like letting you sample the goods. It is then up to you to decide whether you want to avail yourself of further services rendered by her.

I then asked my Taiwanese colleague where my hypothesis was correct. He looked back at me in horror, like I was some kind of pervert. Apparently I was pretty off the mark. It is basically a temporary drop off point. But seriously, any of you who don't read Mandarin would have come to the same conclusion wouldn't you? People can be so judgmental, it's sad.

But the bullet train was pretty fun, it was the first time I took such a mode of transportation. Here's a picture:



The train is so fast that you won't even see it entering the station, I actually took this picture at 1/8 second shutter speed otherwise it would just be a total blur. Pretty amazing eh?

Stayed at the Westin in Taipei. One thing I never get, it's the most expensive hotels that always charge for extra room amenities (wireless/porn/breakfast), cheaper hotels always provide them free. What's up with that? Considering you pay top dollar shouldn't it be free? Well Westin did have a porn channel where you could watch a preview for like 20 seconds before you get the pay screen, but ingenious me found a loophole around the system! Basically you just need to switch channels, wait for a couple of seconds then switch back, and you can watch another 30 seconds.

I contemplated telling the hotel staff about this glaring loophole, being the honest person that I am, but then decided against it in case they charge me for it or something. Spent the next hour switching channels every 20 seconds and being really pleased with myself (in more ways than one), but then it dawned on me - what I was doing was actually kinda sad. In my defence I was suffering from diarrhoea, cold and lonely. But yeah I need to get a life.

One final picture. This is the view from where I was most of Friday night:



I FREAKING hate diarrhoea!!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Movie Outing: Post-mortem

All things considered I would deem last night's outing a success, so I decided to send out an email to all those who were involved.

--Start of email---

Hi all,

Yes I think last night's outing went reasonably well, except for that
one fiasco where the participants did not seat in their assigned seats
as requested (repeatedly) by me. I am not naming any names because I
don't have any concrete proof, but I think a certain girl who kept pestering me to change her ticket was the instigator of that chaos in the cinema.

Nevertheless, this will be rectified in the next movie outing as I
will be writing down the names of the participants on each individual
ticket before I hand them them out, and will check them again in the
cinema to make sure no one tries to swap seats.

Looking forward to the next outing.

--End of email ---

I was a bit pissed at myself at losing control of the situation in the cinema, but a good organizer learns from his mistakes. It will NOT happen again.

But the movie was pretty amazing. Oh yeah I went to watch 'The Lives of Others', Winner for Best Foreign Film at this year's Oscars. I was a little disappointed that Pan's Labyrinth didn't win, but after watching the movie last night I have to agree that it was worthier. I hate reviews so ain't gonna give one, just go watch it!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I love organising events!

Yes I really do love it. The sense of accomplishment when the event goes successfully thanks to all the effort you put in, it's really an amazing feeling. Yesterday, I was asked to organize this event that was going to happen later this week. Despite my hectic work schedule, I put all my heart and soul into it and came up with the schedule in like 1/2 hour. Here is the schedule which I sent out to the participants of the event.

==Start of Itinerary==

This is the itinerary for the group outing.

1930 Dinner at Plaza Singapura (place to be confirmed but no Thai Express due to someone's bad experience there recently)
2100 Proceed to The Cathay
2110 Reach Cathay Cinema
2115 Collect your tickets from the outing organizer i.e. me.
2130 Movie starts
1150 Movie ends
1155 Group photo outside cinema
1156 Requests for individual pictures with the Stallion
1200 Free and easy


Notes:
1. Movie seatings are random. Please let me know in advance if you wish to sit beside me. Requests will be served on a first come first served basis.
2. The movie is 2 hr 17 mins long. We are seated 4 in Row C , and 4 directly behind in Row D on the center right side of the cinema. Short people can request to sit in front.
3. Latecomers to the movie please collect your tickets from the usher.
4. There are 8 confirmed participants. Me, J, N, S, J2, J3, J4, T. 4 others to be confirmed by the end of XXXXX. No further requests for tickets (by men) will be entertained after that. Requests by women will be subject to the organizer's (aka ME) approval pending a phone interview.

Regards,
Gilbert
Movie Screening Group Organizer
== End of Itinerary ==

Now you know who to call whenever you want to organize a movie outing.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Get out of the lift if you wanna chat

You know what I hate? People in the lift who try to continue a conversation with someone OUTSIDE the lift. It happened yesterday, this girl who just entered the lift continued her conversation with her friend who was outside the lift. I immediately started jamming on the close door button, when the doors closed, could hardly contain my laughter when I successfully cut short their conversation.

I wasn't always like this you know. There was a time when I would patiently hold the lift, hoping that the person would be sensible enough to cut short the conversation out of embarrassment. But numerous instances later I realized that it was pointless, most people don't give a damn if the entire lift is waiting for them, and so I decided that I might as well get some enjoyment out of it. It's actually pretty hilarious to see people rushing their words or craning their necks to maintain eye contact as the door is closing , you should try it sometime if you never have done so.

But seriously, for those who do the above, would it kill you to take the next lift?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

New ad for iPod

See this is why Creative can never catch up. Makes me wanna go out and buy it right now. Only complaint - an iPod shuffle would have worked better.

Link (NSFW)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's Day sucks!!

Came up with this earlier. Disclaimer: It's a bit harsh so don't read if you are really into Valentine's Day.

This is a poem to explain
Why today is such a freaking pain
The gist of it is Valentine's Day bloody sucks
You disagree? So what, do I look like I give a f*ck?

Flowers, candy and chocolates
Guys throwing money away like it was dirt
Women wait expectantly to receive their gifts
Their eyes in greedy anticipation, not unlike thieves.

The florists jack up their prices right on cue.
Roses and lilies now sell for quadruple their value.
Wait, you got to have a nice romantic dinner as well
Choose from any restaurant, each with something 'unique' to sell.

You reach the restaurant with your date.
10 minutes early, it would be unromantic to be late.
You see couples all around you, all seated in very neat rows.
They lead you to a table right by the window.

So what happens at the end of the dinner?
She tells you, but is it what you want to hear?
If you are lucky, off to a cheap sleazy hotel for a 10 minute romp.
Otherwise you are another loser who got nothing for spending a bomb.

Alright I know so far it all sounds pretty ugly
But I'm not entirely serious, hope that you can see.
But my idea of the perfect V day is one spent in intimate privacy
Just us two snuggled up together on a couch, watching a romantic movie.