Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I can't trust anyone anymore

Everyone has their weaknesses. Me, I have trouble opening myself up to people, mainly because it's the people who are closest to you who have the power to hurt you the most. I made that mistake once, and I swore to myself after that incident that it would never happen to me again. I was wrong.

I had recently gotten a new female intern a month back. At first it was a strictly professional relationship where I would just bark orders at her and she would scurry to complete them. But as the weeks went on, we got closer and closer. We started sharing laughs and giggles in the office and she would gaze adoringly into my eyes as I taught her the finer points of application optimization using profiling tools as well as other similarly fascinating topics. She would also sit beside me everyday, I think it was so that she could hear me speak of my beloved servers and the work I did everyday. I felt like we had a really strong and special bond, and possibly the start of something special despite her tender years.

Well a couple days ago I came to the office as I usually do and I headed towards my seat. After checking my email for a couple of minutes I turned around to talk to her. Only then did I realize that she was not there. I asked my colleague where she was, and he said he didn't know.

I started getting really worried, what if something bad had happened to her? I got up and started walking frantically around the office looking for her. I combed both floors but I still couldn't find her. Then just as I was going to call the police I heard a familiar voice giggling. I knew immediately it was her. I walked to the corner of the office from which the voice came from. There she was. Sitting in another cubicle. I started to ask her why she was sitting here instead of with me, but then I realized I didn't need to. There was this other guy beside her, he was the one who was making her giggle. Doing something to her that only I was supposed to. I couldn't bear to see it.

I turned and tried to walk away before she saw me, but I was too slow. She saw me and beckoned me over. I walked over and gave her a forced smile.

Intern: Hey Bert, this is my friend XXXXX. Apparently he's doing an internship here too. Isn't it a wonderful coincidence?
Me: (Wonderful my ass) Yes it is. Hi, XXXXX. Nice to meet you.

And then they resumed their conversation. After 5 minutes I begin to feel really silly standing there, so I excused myself and walked back to my seat. I tried to get back to my work, but I couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried.

It really hurts alright. I used to be the only guy (in the office) in her eyes, but now this punk XXXXX comes along and I am completely forgotten. Sigh I should have never let myself get close to her, I am to blame as well. But I never thought she would do this to me.

I sat alone the next day. And the day after that. And that was when I knew she wasn't going to come back. I had lost her forever. Now our only communication is when I send her her tasks through email. There is still laughter and giggles, but now they are coming from XXXXX and my intern.

Me, I think I have forgotten how to laugh. It seems so long ago since I did, although it was actually a week. But I have decided. I shall start throwing her tasks that I know she will struggle with. Let's see if she can still laugh after that. That's what she gets for playing with my feelings!!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The most miserable living thing in the world

Work blows. I have this niggling feeling that it's time for a career change. Can't really put my finger on it, maybe it's the feeling I get every morning when I get up where I just wanna take a power drill and drill a hole into my brain. Or could be something else.

I went to Sentosa last weekend with 2 gal friends to suntan....k fine, to WATCH them suntan. I haven't been there in ages, but it was a nice feeling lying there in the hot sun with two beautiful women beside me. I offered to run suntan lotion on their backs and wherever else on their bodies that they needed lotion on but they gave me this really dirty look and declined.

I was quite hurt by their reaction, they looked at me as if I was some sort of pervert who was just using the lotion as an excuse to fondle their nubile bodies; when in actual fact I was just really concerned, as a friend should, that they would get sunburn (it was rather hot after all). Where is the trust I ask you? I thought friends should trust each other.

Oh then there was this rather cute girl running up and down the beach with her dog. The way she cuddled and pampered the dog made me wish I was the one on the end of her leash instead of that dumb dog.

Oh anyway back to the main point of this post. I was walking home a few days ago when I almost stepped on a snail. I gently kicked it to the grass and continued walking, but then I started thinking. Why the hell do snails even try and cross the pavement? Is it because they are sick of the grass on their side of the pavement? What if it turns out to be a road? They will probably die of old age (if they don't get run over or trampled on) before they reach the other side. Why even bother moving at all? And it must really suck for them when they get horny. They probably just end up humping the nearest insect around, like an ant or caterpillar. I pity those guys.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

James Gomez Exclusive

K I know I am kind of risking my neck here, but that's how much I care about you readers. The following is the transcript of the questioning of James Gomez by the police for the heinous crime of saying that he submitted a particular form when in actual fact he did not. I can't reveal my source, but she swore on my life that it's authentic and I believe her.


--Start of transcript--
Day 1 (4 hours of questioning)

Investigator: Did you pretend to submit the minority candidate application form so as to discredit the completely unbiased Elections Department?
JG: No, I simply forgot to submit the form. That's why I am in an opposition party. We are fallible, unlike the PAP.
Investigator: Are you telling me that it was just a simple oversight on your part, that you simply forgot?
JG: Yes.
Investigator: I put to you that you pretended to submit the form when you actually didn't, eventhough it sounds really dumb that you didn't consider that there would be security cameras in a GOVERNMENT-OWNED building. But that's what I would expect from a third-world opposition candidate. A first world politician would have found a smarter way so that he wouldn't be incriminated. Or were you drunk at that time, because I know Indian people like to drink.
JG: No it was simply an oversight on my part.
Investigator: I put to you that your thief-like and dishonest actions were part of a grand conspiracy to garner votes and therefore completely the opposite of the PAP's noble and fair offer to upgrade lifts in opposition wards if they get elected.
JG: No you are wrong.
Investigator: Are you lying ?
JG: No.
Investigator: Are you lying ?
JG: No.
Investigator: Are you lying ?
JG: No.
Investigator: Are you lying ?
JG: No.
(this line of questioning continued for the next 3 hours and 55 minutes)
Investigator: Are you lying ?
JG: No.
Investigator: Ok that's all for today. We might call you in for further investigations in the future. I kept you here till after midnight so that you will incur midnight charges for your cab ride home. See, this is what we do with people who submit forms improperly. You may leave.

--End of Transcript--

I'm trying to get the transcript of his second questioning as well, but it will probably be very similar to the first one.

Legal Disclaimer (so that I won't get sued or called in for questioning): The above is what is known as a satire and is not true. The police department and the government are very fair and unbias in real life, I love and respect them with all my heart and would never dare to imply otherwise.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Political Parties are ignoring the important issues!!

I am a little disappointed with the parties involved in the election so far. They seem to concentrating on issues like form submission conspiracies and lift upgrading when there are so much more important things to address. I know of one issue that has been plaguing me (and a lot of other people I am willing to bet) for a really long time, and yet I have not seen anyone address it so far.

I am of course talking about the cinema at Orchard Cineleisure. It takes 5 freaking minutes to walk from the MRT station to the cinema. I lost count of the number of times I arrived late for a movie because I (understandably) didn't take those 5 minutes into account. And let's not even talk about times when it rains. I am sure a lot of you have been drenched on the way to the cinema just like me because of the unsheltered nature of the 5 minute walk to the cinema.

But before you think I am being too self-centred, I would like to clarify that the main reason I want this problem resolved is for those old people. Let me ask you, how often do you see old people at cineleisure? (No, those cleaning the toilets do not count). Yeah having a hard time aren't ya? You know why don't you. Yes, It's the damn 5 minute unsheltered walk from the train station to the cinema, it's too much for them to go through. I know this because I once asked my mom many years ago to watch the movie Basic Instinct with me there as I couldn't get any girl to go with me. She really wanted to, but she declined as she didn't think she could walk that far on her bad knees.

Of course, I am not one of those who bitch and moan but not offer solutions. I propose they build an underpass from the train station to the cinema, just like the one from Orchard to Lido. Or else have shuttle buses from the Somerset train station to Cineleisure. Ultimately, it all boils down to this : Do we really want a society with cinemas that only caters to the young and hip and ignores the old and the weak? I will leave you to answer that. But the only correct answer is NO.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Woohoo I don't have to vote.

Yes it's the elections again. The great news is my constituency (Marine Parade) got a walkover in the election so I don't need to vote! So while all the other losers have to go down to the voting centres to vote I will be enjoying my free time this Saturday to do whatever I want (i.e. porn). And all this at the very miniscule price of the loss of deciding who is best to lead my constituency. And that doesn't really matter to me, all I wanted was the lifts in my block to be upgraded, and I already got that so I wouldn't have any incentive to vote for the opposition.

But I do feel a bit left out though, it kinda sucks to be 28 and still not voted even once. Maybe they should have like a mock election. Like for those constituencies that got a walkover they could draw a few residents from a hat and make them form a party just for the duration of the election. They could call it the PAPAP (PAP Alternative Party).

Of course, they would have to educate them how to apply for the proper certificates at the election office. I mean you wouldn't want those guys to get their character/moral/integrity questioned if they, god forbid, make a mistake. Because once they do, even a simple apology won't be enough. You will have to explain every detail of how/why/when you made a mistake, and back them up with FACTS. Yes, it's all about facts.

Oh and they also have to educate the PAPAP on what not to say. If they would like to raise any issues that would criticize the government, they better make sure that they have the facts to back them up or else they might get themselves sued. It's a serious thing to question someone's integrity without having concrete facts to back it up, they have to know that. Of course they have to ignore the fact suing someone is basically an option only available to the rich. When was the last time you heard of a middle/lower income person suing someone for defamation of character?

Or maybe it's because people from middle or lower income families don't really have as much character, so we don't feel as great a need to sue. Yeah I think that could be it. I remember there was this one time this girl called me a horny perverted sicko in front of a whole bunch of people, and eventhough I felt this overwhelming sense of defamation of my character I didn't sue her. Back then I thought it's because it would cost too much money, but now I think it's because secretly afraid that maybe what she said was true. Sigh I wish I was rich.