Monday, May 30, 2005

I am back from hell

Give thanks to the grace of God, for I have recovered from my ordeal. This was the mother of all diarrhoeas, I cannot describe the pain and agony that I went through, just pray that you will never experience it for yourself. Seriously childbirth is a piece of cake compared to what I endured.

But it's quite interesting, as I actually noticed some things that I never did before the ordeal. I had been spending an obscene amount of time getting familiar with the design of my washroom; and as I sat there I began to think about stuff. Like how amazing the drainage system is. Where does IT all go? We go to the toilet everyday, but does anyone ever wonder what happens after you flush the toilet? No, I did not think so. No one cares, we take everything for granted.

Went to watch Monster-In-Law a couple days ago with a friend. Pretty decent movie with a few laughs. Tried to use my infamous Jedi mind trick (you know, the whole waving arm bit) on the friend to get her to watch Episode III instead but it didn't work. But am going to watch it next week with a friend. Yes a guy. It's gonna be a man date, but we are going to have a lot of fun. I am even planning to bring my old lightsaber replica to the movie. Can't wait !

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Off to Hyderabad

Yeah that's in India for the geographically clueless. Will be leaving tomorrow around 6 pm on Silkair in case any of you wanna send me off. NO one did when I went off to Bangalore, but not like it matters. I don't really care.

Yes this is my 2nd attempt to find an Indian bride, the first was the ill-fated trip to Bangalore in January. I still think of Rita once in a while. We had something really special, but she threw it all away. Hopefully I will have better luck this time.

Some of you might wonder why I am doing this when I have Candy. Candy is great and will always have a place in my heart, but there are some things that she wouldn't do, things that a wife will. She won't cook and clean for me. She won't take it up the ass. She won't have sex without me paying her first. Yes you might argue that these are very trivial matters, but they mean a great deal to me. To each his own, like they say.

Nethia is up to her old tricks again. Disparaging me with her blatant lies. Sometimes I don't know why I put up with it. Now she claims I was terrified while she was getting her tattoo. It's a lie I tell ya, a blatant lie! I only closed my eyes while she was having it done because I was tired after a hard day's work. Needles don't faze the stallion alright. In fact I would have gotten a tattoo a long time ago if I could but mommy wouldn't let me. Sigh the price I pay for my filial piety.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

There is more to life than sex

I am getting disappointed with my readers. My last entry about porn got so many comments. Contrast that to the far less comments on my more educational entries, for example the one about teenagers spending recklessly on clothes. Do you see a pattern here?

Yup sex sells. And I don't like it. I see an increase in bloggers writing about their sexual escapades and I don't like it! No it's not because I ain't been getting any, but I just feel that the act of procreation is something sacred that should be kept private between the 2 (or more) parties involved, and not displayed on a webpage for everyone to see. Call me old fashioned but that's my view.

Having said all that, my mom used to tell me that if you can't beat them, join them. So I shall now give you readers an account of my last sexual experience. Enjoy.

He stared at her from across the room. She turned around, feeling embarrassed by his intense stare on her voluptuous body. Suddenly without warning he galloped across to her side. She was taken by surprise. She felt herself thrown to the bed by his hands. His hands, they were such strong hands. Hands only an IT professional possesses. Those hands then unbuttoned and removed her clothes before she even realized it. His dexterity was not surprising considering his years of online gaming experience.

Barely a minute later she felt his 50-inch member enter her. There was no such word as foreplay in his book of love. He didn't need it, it was but a hindrance to him. He knew she didn't either.

It was all over in 5 minutes. He dismounted, feeling pleased with himself. She didn't nickname him Quickdraw for nothing. He was sure she was more than satisfied as well. She always told him so. He started to put on his clothes again.

He left the seventy dollars on her dresser, just like he does every week. He was about to leave, but then he paused. He took out his wallet and fished out another 2 dollars and threw it at her.

Her : Wow what a tip! What's that for stud?
Him : Just feeling generous today. You deserve a treat Candy, buy yourself something nice with it.
Her : You were always my favourite, ya know. No one does it like you.
Him : Flattery will get you nowhere. I ain't that generous. See ya next week.

And with that he walked out of the room, smiling.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Stop judging people

The problem with the blogging community as far as I am concerned is the fact that they tend to be too eager to judge others.

Yes I know some of you out there think I'm this huge perv just because of the stuff I blog about. You people, so quick to condemn without looking at yourselves in the mirror first. Alright so I AM a huge perv but that's not the point. The point is thou shall not judge for only a judge has the right to do the judging thing and finally deliver judgment on the person to be judged. Or something like that. Me, I don't do any of that judging stuff unless the person is evil, for I abhor evil people. Oh and evil kittens as well.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because I was reading a friend's blog and it upset me. It upset me that she was so quick to lay scorn on someone who was only trying to do her a favor. Basically this very kind (and handsome) Indian friend passed her some CDs that she has always looking for. Upon reaching home she realized that there was a Japanese porn CD in one of the jewel cases. Immediately she started blogging and condemning that poor guy friend, sullying his good name.

I am upset because if she had only asked that friend before she blogged about it, she would have known the true story. That he was in fact helping to store the VCD for another friend who had run out of VCD storage space. Yes he was such a true friend that despite his hatred of Japanese porn involving chicks with ponytails he still accepted the VCD, albeit reluctantly. He then hid the VCD where he knew his mom would never find it, which was in one of his music CD jewel cases. He never even watched it not even once. Well he tried testing it out once to make sure the VCD was working but it didn't play.

I hope this tells you that sometimes things are not as obvious as they first appear to be. So next time before you start typing out an entry to condemm someone else, just be sure that you do know the whole story first.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Why I am screwed up. (Hint: Parents)

It was my cousin's wedding last Sunday. Anyway my dad has this annoying/psycho habit when it comes to weddings. He insists on being there early. But not early like as punctual early. It's more of insane early, like 1 1/2 hours before the wedding. So the wedding reception starts at 7:30 and psycho dad wanted to be there by 6 pm. Of course as a kid I used to be forced to follow his wishes and go along with it.

I still remember those days, when I would just stare at the empty tables around us and watching people streaming in, wondering how they could be so rude to actually come just on time or late, rather than "early" like us. Yup thanks to daddy I thought that it was normal to be at weddings hours before they begin. Yup now you know why I always seem a bit off. And why lateness pisses me off.

Fast forward to the present. I am now a grown man, capable of resisting parental mental screwing. I told myself I would no longer submit meekly to Dad's insanity. So I told mom that I would leave at 6:45 and she could go with me if she wanted to. She agreed, saying that she was sick of waiting as well.

It was a hot day, so I decided to take a short nap. When I woke up it was 6 pm. I woke up and walked to the hall groggily. The hall was empty. Checked my parent's room. No one was there as well. I figured mom probably went to the provision shop, so I waited for her to come back. 5 minutes crawled by. Then 10 minutes. Then 30 minutes. And then it dawned on me. Mom did not go to the provision shop. She had left with my dad. She had lied to me, she never had any intention to go with me to the wedding.

I dropped to the floor. I was shocked at my mom's betrayal. Tears started falling from my face. I tried to make them stop, but they just wouldn't. Finally after what seemed like an eternity they did. I knew that the wedding had to go on, so I picked myself up, got dressed and left for the wedding. When I got there, I looked for the table where my parents were and sat beside my mom. Mom dared not look at me. There was a long and uncomfortable silence as we both waited for the bride and groom to arrive. Finally I spoke...

Me : So what's the prize?
Mom: (confused) What prize?
Me : You mean you didn't know? It's customary to give a prize to the earliest guests at a wedding! Maybe they forgot ..should I go ask them?
Mom: (Hangs head in remorse)

Sometimes I don't know why I even bother. I was planning on buying her a blender for Mother's Day next week, but she can forget about it now. Sometimes it doesn't pay to be filial I tell ya.