Thursday, April 21, 2005

Mommy drives me crazy

I been jogging 5 times a week for the past month in a desperate (and probably futile) attempt to reduce the tiny paunch that seems to have appeared where my six pack used to be. I been jogging late at night, usually after midnight, it's quieter and less polluted compared to the evenings.

I didn't tell my mom about my jogs for a very good reason...Let's just say she's a tad on the overprotective side. But I knew she would find out one day. And it so happened last Tuesday night she happened to peek out of her room and see me in my jogging gear getting ready to leave the house.

Mommy: Where you going at this hour?
Me : Jogging.
Mommy: So late? No don't go!!! It's dangerous !!!!
Me : Mom don't worry, it's not like I am gonna get sexually assaulted or something.
Mommy: No ! Why don't you go like 6 pm or something? It's too dangerous I tell ya!!

And then she made a desperate lunge at me to try and grab me before I could get out of the door, but I pushed her away and ran out of the house. And I thought that was that. I came back from my run around 1 am, opened the door....and saw Mommy kneeling in front of the altar praying. Again, it was 1 am in the morning. Who the hell prays at 1 am? But I was too tired to ask her and just took my shower and went to bed.

Next morning, my sis smses me to tell me that mom had complained to her that I was going out at unsafe hours and she was so worried that she prayed for my safety till I came back.

Yep that's mom for you, still thinking of her 27 year old son as her little boy. The same woman who used to advise gal friends that I brought home to throw chili powder in my eyes if I ever tried to force them into anything sexual (sexual by her definition includes groping or kissing). She would rather I go blind than display any behavior remotely adult in nature. Now you know why I ogle openly at dates' asses and accidentally grope them. You try dealing with years of sexual repression.

Why I put up with this you ask? Well I am just waiting for her to get her CPF (it's a kind of government savings plan) money that's why. Once she does I am gonna swindle her out of it and then disappear from that hellhole I call home, faster than you can say "sexually repressed". Ha I can't wait for that day, that will be sweet payback for all that mental torture she put me through over the years.

I really love my mom
But she's worse than a nun
Growing up I was a religious naive little boy
Unlike my peers I was ignorant of the existence of self-administered sexual joy
But I then discovered porn, it made my life slightly better
But she found me out, and I will never forget her words - "burn in hell , you disgusting bedwetter!"
Now I am just waiting, waiting for her to get her huge lump of cash.
Once she does I will swindle her of it and then avoid her like a infectious rash.
Yes I know, you probably think I am evil.
But I am just doing this to put things back on terms level.

10 comments:

  1. Hey there! I was just browsing thru blogs when I came across yours. And I thought I was the one with an overprotective Mom! You sound like me 'cept that my dear Mom has never caught me with porn. LOL!

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  2. u gotta be kidding me bro...run 5 times a week??hardly seem to be possible!at most give u twice a week!

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  3. tiny paunch?

    ok. if you say so, it must be.

    *tries in vain to hide devil's horns on head*

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  4. I've been running in a desperate bid to lose weight and increase my stamina too..unfortunately I've only ran once since Tuesday..bleah

    Somehow I don't believe you're gonna do that to your mom..so don't disappoint me..=P

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  5. You're lucky. Try having a mom who would cane you if you didn't get more than 80% for spelling tests. (that was in primary school)

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  6. that's awful!! how do you put up with that??? silly mommy...all that sexual repression turned you into a pervert. I hope she's happy. ;)

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  7. ok, u r forgiven for staring at chicks' butts and boobs given the condition u were brought up in.
    By the way, i dun remember seeing a tiny paunch the last i saw you. Dun try to bluff ur way thru Bert. Now that you have upset ur mom by doing the night jogs, is she still willing to lay ur mickey mouse pajamas on ur bed, jus like how she has been doing all this years?

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  8. Yan : I feel your pain. We should start a support group or something.

    TY: Oh my god you don't believe me??? Now my life has no meaning anymore...thanks.

    Jax: ....

    Inex: Babe its been a long time since you saw me, the six pack is gone.

    Hecate: The beginning is the hardest. You might wanna check this out http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,5033,s6-51-184-0-2201,00.html
    Hmm maybe we could go on a running date or something ?

    Suspicious Bastard: Errm ...that's nice...*manly hug*

    Dawn: WTF I never said anything abt being a pervert!!

    ThugChic: Why you jealous your mom doesn't do that is it !

    Mint : Well if you are hot then I wouldn't mind helping you start running.

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