Sunday, April 10, 2005

God speaks to me

As a Catholic I was very offended by Babushka's callous dismissal of my religion. God spoke through her to make one of his people realize that going to mass shouldn't be a chore, and she scoffed at it. God did speak through her, I know this because he spoke to me through someone as well.

It was 15 years ago. I was a very naive innocent kid back then, unaware of the evils of men. I was in secondary that time and perfectly happy with doing my homework and not having a social life. But then one day a classmate of mine shoved this videotape into my bag during Moral Ed class. I looked into my bag and it had a label on it that said "195".

Immediately my sixth sense warned me that behind the innocuous looking number lay an evil of unspeakable proportions. Mind you this was before that Ring movie came out. I was gonna take it out and throw it in the trash. But then a voice spoke to me. It told me that there was no harm in watching it, after all it was just a movie. It told me that the force was strong in me and I should embrace the dark side. So I took the tape, despite my gut telling me not to.

I went back and put the tape into the VCR and pressed the play button. The movie started off decently enough, it was a pretty young stewardess serving drinks to people on a plane. Suddenly the camera shakes violently which I assume was to simulate turbulence on the plane. Everyone starts panicking. The stewardesses calms everyone down, while one of them goes into the cockpit to check on the pilot. The pilot says something about some mechanical failure in the cargo area of the plane and that he's too nervous to fly. So the lovely stewardess did what any stewardess would do and decides to calm him down.

I was shocked when I saw her calming technique, it was the first time I seen such a disgusting thing, I immediately switched the VCR off in disgust. But suddenly something caused the VCR to switch on again. And as I watched it again the voice told me that it wasn't disgusting, it was an act of love and there was nothing wrong with that. So I continued watching. I watched as the other stewardesses on the plane also used various calming techniques on the passengers as well as each other.

Anyway I digress, the point of this post was how God talked to me. To cut a long story short, mommy found my tape one day while I was in school. This is a woman who cringes when she sees two people kissing on TV, so to say she was shocked by the contents would be a gross understatement. She was convinced that the devil had possessed her beloved son, so she called her pastor and a few other church members and staged an intervention.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. Remember hands, so many hands grabbing me and pushing me to the ground as I walked through the door. Remember my pastor standing over me and splashing holy water on me while repeatedly saying "The power of Christ compels you!!". Remember my mom repeatedly beating me on the head with the videotape, although I think it was more out of anger then trying to exorcise the demon. After what seemed like an eternity, they let me up.

I thought the ordeal was over but I guessed wrong. They then made me watch The Ten Commandments 3 times. But when I finished, the evil voice in my head was gone. It was replaced by a voice that sounded like Charles Heston telling me that I had been saved and am now a messenger of God. I came out to the living room, everyone was there waiting for me. I took the tape from mom, it was covered with blood, my blood from the repeated bashing to my head. I took a lighter and burned it. They cheered for they knew I had been saved.

Ever since that day I been on a witchhunt against porn, I look for it everyday and compile a list of websites that spread this evil so that one day I can submit it to the authorities. If not for the timely intervention of mommy and the church I would have probably be condemned by God by now. God spoke to me through them, and if that doesn't convince you of a the presence of a higher power nothing will.


  1. Dearie, you know you don't owe us an explanation for watching porn everyday. we understand, you're single and unlaid..Stop invoking the name of God in vain! Or the sword of Christ will run you through

  2. You amuse me to no end Bert. How many more times are you gonna explain why you are "forced" to watch porn? You will say you are doing this for us mankind and how ungrateful we are and yada yada but its ok Bert. We can save ourselves. Now will you stop watching porn? *snigger*

  3. What an ordeal! Guess that explains your style of writing, humour and logic... which is kinda weird when you piece them together. Heh.

  4. Gimme the list bro!! I want the list!!LOL

  5. I was just making note of the math you used. Tape 195= 10 Commandments times 3. Got it!

  6. Nethia: That was just mean. Being single and unlaid is a choice I made.

    ThugChic: I am not forced, I do it for the good of mankind.

    TriplePeriod : Is that a compliment or an insult? I don't like the word weird, I prefer "different".

    Keith: Nice post. Very true actually.

    FF: Babe stop tempting me. Fine fine where and when?

    TY: Simi list?

    Chutney: No the ten commandments movie is different from the airplane movie. Different as in horribly boring.