Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Another day , another walk.  Truth be told, I had spent the day in quiet reflection on my actions 2 days ago.  Sure, these old people did not really matter, but does that mean I should have treated them as I did? These thoughts weighed heavily on my mind and slowed me considerably as I trudged along the gravelly path around Bedok Reservoir. Guilt is such a heavy cross to bear, especially when you are speed walking.

And then , out of the corner of my big beautiful eyes, I saw him.  He was barely a blur , but I knew it had to be him. I clenched my fists and waited for him to catch up to me . A minute later, the race was afoot!

As expected he took an early lead but I managed to maintain a quick enough pace that I wasn't that far behind but it was definitely a struggle, considering unlike my adversary I did not benefit from any performance enhancing drugs. Suddenly, and I swear this is true, he turned back to me and said "Indian Stallion? More like Indian Buffalo!! HAHAHA!!".  My nostrils flared at that horrible insult and I walked even faster. My lungs were literally bursting trying to get more air than they ever had to before.  My heart was pumping so fast that blood started oozing out of the pores in my chest .  Yet no matter how much I tried I still couldn't catch up to him.

I knew I could not keep this up without endangering my life, so dejectfully I slowed down, conceding defeat.  But then suddenly a beautiful woman in a white dress ran up alongside me and whispered into my ear. "Don't give up , my lovely Stallion" she said.  I did not know who she was or why she was trying to help me, but I heeded her advice and sped up once more.  If I died doing this, so be it .  There are few worthier causes to die for.

The next few minutes were a blur. I looked down at my feet and they were moving so fast I could barely make them out. I looked up and it was as if time stood still , no one else was moving except me and the old man.  The lady was nowhere to be seen.

Nearing the (imaginary) finish line at the entrance of the park, we were neck to neck .  With my last ounce of energy I thrusted my chest forward. It was enough to beat him. I screamed out in joy and raised my right fist in triumph, while pointing at him with my left index finger. He looked at me quizzically and said something in Chinese that sounded like "Sent Ching Ping" and sped off . I do not know what it means, but if I had to guess it probably means "Great walker, you have bested me and now I shall slink away in shame." .

Mystery woman , whoever you are, thank you.  Also you were kinda hot so I would love to take you out sometime if we ever meet again.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Happy Ever Laughter - Review

I have always been a fan of standup, but I have to admit I haven't gone to that many local ones since I don't really have many friends who like them. I have spent quite a lot of time on youtube watch people like Jimmy Carr,  Louis CK , but my favorite are the Celebrity Roasts where comedians go at each other with some of the most mean and jaw dropping insults. So I was looking forward to watching our local comedians do their thing as well , each one had around 10 mins for their part. Unfortunately the show did not live up to its title.

Firstly the good. Rishi and Kumar were easily the best of the bunch. I preferred Rishi's set because his humor was a bit sharper, he poked fun at the absurdity of MDA's attempts at censorship when the comedians were looking to perform on live TV.  ("MDA chief - We had an internal meeting on "ku ku chao" and we can allow it.") . Kumar did rely on his usual sexual jokes (this time it revolved around how nurses should wear sexy outfits and he came out in such a uniform to hammer the point) but they were still funny. But it felt really short , and ended very abruptly.

The next best performer was a surprise, it was Suhaimi Yusof. I seen him on local TV in the past and I never liked him because he always over-acts and it was annoying,  However, he was surprisingly quite comfortable and laid back on stage and he had this aura of a pakcik telling stories that made him really likeable and relatable. He had some very clever word gags  ("I was a master-debater in school and my mentor was Pa Chu Cheng") that were quite hilarious. And he demonstrated his voice-over ability by imitating Darth Vader, Optimus Prime and Megatron amazingly well.

Fakkah and Dosh were decent, their jokes were mainly around race . Dosh had a few about being mistaken for a Malay that were quite funny. Pretty ok overall. Sharul was ok but not as memorable as the last time I saw her, ditto for Hossan Leong, im struggling to remember any of their jokes now though.

K now the bad. And these were really bad.  The best of the lot , and I am using the word "best" very loosely was Sebastian Tan aka the Broadway Beng. First of all , he was talking way too much in Teochew/Hokkien(?) to the point that I felt I was at the wrong show. Secondly, he just wasn't funny, and worst of all he ended with this pointless medley where the entire joke was him replacing words in famous songs with "gout" which he had recently contracted. I don't know why that's funny.

Fairing slightly worse was Judee Tan. She was playing this linguistically challenged TCM practitioner and was doing this really annoying voice that was incredibly grating and also made it hard to make out what she was saying sometimes.

The worst performance of the night was a toss up between Patricia Mok and Siti K.  Patricia Mok , like Suhaimi was doing her first ever stand-up, but that is the only similarity between them . She was painfully unfunny, with very poor timing and seems to lack an understanding of how punchlines work or even what they are. Siti K had this really horrible idea where she pretended she was an ex-model and was hosting a talk show called Secrets Shhh or something like that.  It was as awkward as it sounds.

So all in all, there were 3 decent ones, 3 ok ones, and 4 really awful ones. I think Patricia is not ready for stand up and it was a mistake to put her up there, she seems woefully out of her depth.  Siti K according to my friend is hilarious in the other plays she seen her in, so maybe she went with the wrong concept. For Judee and Sebastian Tan, i am not a fan of character type of stand ups, because it gets very limiting after a while. All in all , its hard to justify paying 80 over dollars for this kind of caliber, think I might stick to YouTube or those stand up nights at bars.

Monday, March 07, 2016

Not cut out for charity

Conversation I had a week ago.


Friend: Hi, I am helping out in this charity where they are cooking food and delivering them to the underprivileged. Would you like to help out ?

Me: Sure , why not, sounds like a good cause.  When and where?

Friend: The date is still to be confirmed but you will have to report at around 5 am.  I will let you know soon.

Me: 5 am??  Why poor people eat so early?? 


Yes, I know, I know, I am going to hell.  I don’t think I will hear back from her.  

Monday, February 22, 2016

Hi everyone,

 I've decided to do something that will end my life. I have been thinking about it for a while now as I know it has to be done. Yes, I am committing suicide. I know you may have questions for me and I will answer them real soon, just send them real fast because it will be hard for me to answer once I am dead. Meanwhile, be happy for me, cos my life sucks so I can’t wait for the sweet relief of death.

K just kidding of course. I just wanted to use my reach to let you guys, the people I care about most, know how important it is to get insurance. The nice thing about NTUC insurance is that if you ever contemplate committing suicide in the future, rest assured that they will still payout your death benefit , as long as it is after 1 year from the date of signing the policy!*# So please sign up with them now so that you can have the peace of mind that even if you jump off a building one year from now, your loved ones will be fully taken care of. Use my promo code SUICIDENOTSOSUCKYWITHNTUC and get 10% off now!

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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

People keep wondering why I don't keep my Note 2 in my pocket. It's kinda obvious, I only got room for 1 over-sized thing in my pants.